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A Good Question Begets More
By Tonya Jone Miller | November 7, 2009
A man came to see Inviting Desire in Winnipeg this summer. We ran into each other a few times over the course of the festival, and he subsequently looked me up online. A few weeks later, I received an astonishingly frank and fascinating email from him, which has been sitting in my inbox ever since. I’ve been wanting to address it, but knew I needed time to think about the questions he asked and figure out how I truly feel. It was a lengthy letter, but I’m only going to share the part of it which I plan to address:
“As time passed I was in a lot of empty relationships and I went to the dark side. I started to pay for sex and got addicted to it. In 2005 I was told I was HIV positive and I have had as you can imagine a very different life. I have been in SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) for about 20 years. And as they say, it only works if you work the program. I would consider phoning you on the sex line as acting out, as I once was addicted to that, once owed $900 to the phone company. Please help me out with definitions here. You talk in your writings of being a ‘real’ person, and I am really impressed by that. You seem so dymanic, such an interesting person- bright, creative, outgoing. How do you rationalize the phone sex line? Please don’t read me wrong, I am not condeming or judging you, just trying to understand your psyche. How it works for you?????? As you probably know, I could not look into your eyes, they are so powerful, just like the Sirens of old Greece. One is compelled to stare into them only to be destroyed by them.”
Hmmmm. How do I rationalize doing phone sex? That would imply that I have a need to rationalize it, but I don’t believe there is anything inherently wrong or unethical with what I do. I hardly think I am an irresistible destroyer of men. *wry smile* At the same time, I don’t pretend there is no possibility of someone being hurt, emotionally or physically, directly or indirectly, as a result of phone sex.
Am I a gateway drug? Do I, by allowing someone to voice potentially taboo or illegal fantasies, somehow give them permission, encouragement, or motivation to actually commit those acts? I don’t believe someone who is mentally ill or criminally minded would be deterred by not being able to use a phone sex service. I think denial of those impulses is more likely to cause someone to act out on them. Having a legal outlet (which doesn’t actually hurt either participant) for those dangerous fantasies gives people an alternative to actually DOING them.
If someone has a Daddy’s girl fantasy, for example, should I call them sick and refuse to talk about it? Or should I indulge the fantasy, knowing that it’s a fairly common one for both men and women (ask any psychologist), and at the very least in the worst-case scenario, while the person is on the phone with me, he isn’t out there in the world doing it? Which option is less likely to create pain and suffering in the long run? I cannot answer that question definitively, but it should be obvious what I believe given that I’ve been doing professional phone sex for over five years.
I know that phone sex can be addictive in different ways for some people. I have personally declined calls from callers who I felt were spending too much money or getting unrealistically attached. While I can’t prevent them from going elsewhere to get their fix, I can at least choose not to provide it for them. But I’m just one person who makes a lot of mistakes, and I’m sure in my career I have inadvertantly created a few monsters. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and be a smarter, stronger, more compassionate person each day than I was the one before.
Is phone sex cheating? Kind of depends on your definitions. Would it be better for a guy who’s not getting what he desires from his wife to actually go fuck someone else? There is physical danger in that scenario that isn’t present if a man calls me to act out his fantasies instead- you can’t get an STD from phone sex. Lol, but true.
Is it cheating if a man fantasizes about a porn star while he’s making love to his wife? Is it cheating if he masturbates while thinking of or talking to someone else? Is it cheating if he thinks, “God I wish I could fuck her!” when he walks by a beautiful woman on the street? Because I’ll tell you this right now: if faithfulness must extend beyond action and intention to thoughts, ideas, and fantasies, then we are all cheaters. Each and every one of us. I don’t believe that anyone in a committed relationship has NEVER even imagined being attracted to or being with someone other than their partner. I just don’t buy it.
By my definition of cheating, a phone sex call keeps them from moving beyond thought into action. In other words, I’m more of an obstacle drug or hurdle drug than a gateway drug. Yes, I accept it’s possible that a guy might use phone sex as a barometer of his emotions before physically cheating. If he doesn’t feel bad calling phone sex, he might move on to escorts or hook-up websites. He might do that anyway. I can’t say that phone sex will keep a man from cheating any more than detractors can say it will cause him to cheat. Whether phone sex actually constitutes cheating in and of itself is subjective and dependent on where you draw the line between fantasy and reality.
I believe that I personally provide a service that actually helps people. What I hear in my clients’ voices at the end of our calls is gratitude and relief. From the tamest, most vanilla to the kinkiest, most extreme, what exists in the realm of fantasy is the product of our imaginations, not our actions. I cannot take responsibility for the actions of the entire world, I can only be accountable for myself. I conduct my business in accordance with my personal ethics and beliefs, which don’t necessarily reflect those of other phone sex operators, certain customers, or society as a whole.
At the end of the day, I am able to look myself in the mirror and see more that I like than dislike. When it boils down, I think all you can pretty much hope for is to be a person whose presence in the world causes more good than harm. I believe that about myself. I concede I could be wrong. People want phone sex in exchange for money, and I enjoy and am good at phone sex. I recognize that phone sex offends some people and that being a sex worker limits me in certain ways. (I’d never get cast in a Disney movie, for example.) I accept the consequences. I choose to be what I am
And that’s how it works for me.
Topics: My Life | 5 Comments »
November 8th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Oh my dear, I so appreciate your taking the time to reflect on these ideas and questions. (Just last night I created a fan page for Dance Naked Productions on facebook. I realized there was a tab for “discussion” and I wrote the question “What is the line between fantasy and reality for you?” You answered it beautifully. Would you mind my reposting this entry onto my page?
I think you have such integrity and authenticity in a line of work not necessarily known for such attributes. I am proud to know you, and delighted to co-create with you. Love, Eleanor
November 8th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Thank you, Ele. *hug* Of course you can repost the entry.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Dear Tonya,
I have only spoken with you once, but have read a lot of what you have written on your blog. I have just read ” A Good Question Begets More”. I think that if more of us gave the careful thought to our professions as you do to yours we would be far less likely to harm others, and would grow in our chosen fields. Thank you for what you have written and for the enjoyment of reading it.
Best wishes,
Robert.
November 9th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Your post was sincere, intelligent and so Human. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly.
January 28th, 2010 at 9:37 am
[...] But I what I feel is compassion and resolve. Conviction that I am doing the right thing when I choose to speak my truth and stand behind it. If it means complete strangers feel the need to direct their hatred, fear, and malice toward me, [...]