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Challenging
By Tonya Jone Miller | November 20, 2009
Had another intense interview for MVP with Mom today. They’re essentially turning into mutual therapy sessions with a heaping pile of family history and storytelling mixed in. The thing that keeps coming up for me is how random people can play such an incredible part in shaping our lives, often without even knowing it, or in a very short span of time.
I’ve been thinking non-stop about people I’ve known…Ones who were a huge part of my existence, ones I spent lots of time with but barely knew, ones whose paths I crossed only briefly but who even now seem so important. I can’t explain it, but I often know from the very first moment I meet someone how big a part they’ll play in my life. I’m certainly wrong on occasion, but usually I’m surprisingly intuitive.
So here’s what happens. I feel “it” with someone- chemistry, connection, attraction, spark, whatever you want to call it. It can be on a spiritual, sexual, romantic, educational, and/or platonic level. And I go after it. The exchange of energy and ideas and…Self. To see and be seen. To know and be known. I think that’s a very human hunger. And it’s part of why I enjoy doing phone sex, being able to provide that for another person.
My openness, my vulnerability, my willingness to dive in is something I’ve always been proud of. But someone pointed out to me recently that in a way, I use my transparency as a shield. I hit people with so much up front, they’re scared to push past what I willingly reveal. And I suppose it works because it keeps me in control of the information and the intimacy. I’m open about a lot of things most folks hide, which is enough to simultaneously put them at ease and unsettle them slightly.
It’s not intentionally disingenuous. My motive is truly to connect with another human being on a deeper level. But I’m realizing it functions also as a built in defense mechanism. If someone can’t take “this much” of me, they’ll never be able to handle all of me. It’s a preemptive strike- regardless of my resourcefulness and resiliency, my tough-girl-ness, if you will- I get hurt by rejection like anybody else. Maybe even more profoundly, since I choose to risk so much up front.
Should I hold back more? Don’t know that I could even if I wanted to, or that it would have a positive effect. Acting out of love, wanting to be of service, needing to connect with others…It is an integral part of who I am, and it is why I know so many incredibly unique people.
They enter my life for a phone sex call, for a bottle of wine or a delicious dinner, for a lazy afternoon of movie watching, for a shared theatre experience…They stay for a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, maybe even a lifetime…They expand my understanding of life and how we function as human beings…They bless me with insight into myself and others…They teach me humility, joy, patience, compassion…And I hope that I give some small measure back to them.
But there’s really no way of knowing, is there? One of my favorite books, Written on the Body, begins with the sentence: “Why is the measure of love, loss?” I’ve always found that line poignantly truthful. It’s human nature to want more, to covet what we’re NOT getting instead of being thankful for the blessings we do receive, even if they are fleeting and temporary. My challenge right now is to cultivate gratitude and acceptance.
I’m working on it. 
Tonya
Topics: My Life | 1 Comment »
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:25 am
There’s a saying by Nietzche and I’m paraphrasing but something to the effect that revealing a lot about oneself can also be a way of concealment.