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Yes
By Tonya Jone Miller | November 21, 2009
Thank you to my dearest sister for sending me this link to David Foster Wallace’s 2005 Kenyon College commencement address.
I’m a pretty strong believer that everything happens for a reason, that I am always exactly where I need to be at any given time to learn the lessons I need to learn in this life. The way some people believe in God, I have always had an unwavering faith in myself, in my ability to make good decisions and do the right thing. But lately, I’ve really been struggling. For the first time ever in my life, I haven’t felt so sure of ME- who I am, the life I lead, the choices that brought me here. It’s terrifying, moreso because I’m not at all accustomed to feeling helpless or out of control or second-guessing myself.
I’m in a phase of deep self-reflection and allowing myself to finally process things I’ve been telling myself were long dealt with. My deceased father, my failed marriage, my reckless and self-destructive behavior over the years…I’m trying to get to a deeper level of acceptance and forgiveness.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes. And I’ve done a lot right, too. Sometimes, every day seems like a burden, but I know in my heart that every day is a gift. Another chance to be love and bring light into this world, instead of wallowing in the dark void of self-pity and disappointment.
Nobody’s life is perfect, and mine is no exception. In the past, I’ve often refrained from writing about my doubts and fears and shortcomings here in depth, because it doesn’t seem sexy, and this blog is supposed to appeal to my phone sex callers as well as my other friends. But I’m trying really hard from now on not to sugar-coat things.
I believe that me living my truth for the world to see gives others permission to do the same, without shame. My flaws are part of what makes me who I am, indeed they motivate me to be a better person each day than I was the day before. Perfection is a myth. Life is not a fairy tale. But to quote my dear O once again…
“I wish I could tie this up in a nice little ending, but there just isn’t one. We’re in a very complicated mess of a world right now. We treat each other like meat, how un-surprising that we treat our planet and everything in it like shit.
And still…And still…There is such beauty in the world. Such joy. Such love. Such hope.”
Yes.
Topics: My Life | 1 Comment »
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:23 am
Nothing profound to say, other than that I empathize with your struggle and reflection, and the challenge to stay positive. Hugs. Thinking of you.