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Balance
By Tonya Jone Miller | December 1, 2009
So last Friday I started The Artist’s Way. It’s a book by Julia Cameron, and it’s a 12 week program aimed at “artistic recovery.” Sounds awfully New-Agey, I know, but bear with me. It’s basically a bunch of tools and exercises geared to encourage creativity and expression of your art while also helping you avoid the demons a lot of artists succumb to.
I have difficulty referring to myself as an artist, but I’m realizing that’s what I am. I create. Fantasies on the telephone, characters onstage, writing that can be performed…There’s such a stigma, an emphasis on the ego, when one refers to oneself as an artist in our society. A big step in motivating me to DO is getting past the shame and unworthiness and fear. You know…What if I suck? Lol, but true. I’ve only been following the book’s instructions for four days, and already my productivity and motivation are higher than they’ve been in months.
The more I work on MVP, the more I realize what a fantastic procrastinator I am. I stress about the endless transcribing, when in truth if I just sit down and power through, it goes much faster than I thought it would. It’s the tedious work but it has to get done, so I’m making myself do it now. And every story I get documented gives me more words, more raw material with which to build this narrative. People are asking me what it’s going to be, but I don’t know yet. A one-woman show, a book, a play or screenplay? Maybe all of them. Right now I’m trying to rid myself of the need to know the how or why or end result, because those are just ways of avoiding getting the words on the page.
Something else I’ve been struggling with…Being open about who I am and what I do seems like an obvious choice, and it’s not that I regret it for myself. I’ve just been dealing with some negative repercussions lately, and it makes me realize there’s a finality to my decision, a permanence. Living in truth does not come without a price. Some people will never be able to get past my phone sex work, my masochistic tendencies, my current polyamorous relationship status…Even though at some point in my life, I expect all those things will evolve…
I haven’t always done phone sex, and while I enjoy it immensely, I can’t see myself doing it for more than five or ten more years maximum. It is very likely my writing and performance will take precedence eventually. And if I should choose to have a baby at some point, I’ll have to take a break from it anyway. I have strong beliefs about what babies experience in the womb, and I don’t think I’d be comfortable doing phone sex while pregnant. Don’t freak out- I’m still not planning to have children, but I don’t discount evolutionary impulses either. As I said, everything can change. But right now, I’m really enjoying my calls and callers and so very grateful that I can use my conversational skills and erotic imagination to make people happy.
Being a newly independent phone sex provider affords me a wonderful freedom, but I won’t deny it’s also a little bit scary completely on my own. Luckily, I’ve made the acquaintance of a few new callers recently who seem to really respond to me and my approach. It’s nice validation. I know I can’t be everything to everyone, but I can be something special for those who seek a more personal, human connection. Oooooh and apparently HBO is airing commercials for my Real Sex episode- my friend D and her boyfriend saw one the other night! Kind of freaks me out. I’m really nervous about seeing myself on tv, but trying not to be too pre-emptively judgemental. Lol. The director-producer even wrote me a note of thanks, saying I came off charming in the segment, but a part of me won’t believe it until I see it. Ten days to airtime! ~shudder~
As for my kinky proclivities, it seems I’ve taken a subconscious step back over the last few weeks. The desires are still there, I’m just not in a headspace to play casually. There are, at this point, only four people I feel comfortable taking pain from, and while that may sound like a lot, we are all extremely busy. It has been weeks since I’ve had a private play date, and public scenes- while they can be very intense as evidenced by my recently posted photos- rarely capture the intimacy I’m craving right now. It’s strange, I’m not sure exactly where that is coming from. I think partly from delving deeper into myself for MVP and partly from working on The Artist’s Way. I’m accepting how profoundly I’ve detached myself from certain things, how I’ve tried to protect myself by only allowing controlled vulnerability. I’m driven now to connect, to get closer to friends who’ve become distant, and to actively seek out new people to learn from and/or be of service to.
I met someone randomly about a month ago. A very smart and interesting person who I spent a very little amount of time with but who said something that absolutely pulled the rug out from under me. “I’m looking to fall in love and spend the rest of my life with someone.” For the first time since I met my ex-husband, that actually sounded appealing. And it got me questioning so much about the life I’ve built for myself. Not in a bad way at all, just in a let’s-examine-what-really-matters way. Am I really a masochist? Or is it just my way of punishing myself for feeling unworthy or unlovable? Am I really polyamorous? I mean, I was faithful to my ex for over six years. Did I turn to polyamory as a self-defense mechanism, so I’d never feel the pain of one person’s betrayal and rejection so profoundly?
Where do I want to spend my time and energy? On new folks and adventures or on reaching new heights with people who are already part of my life? I have such deep love for Howard and the two others I see on a semi-regular basis, but it isn’t about sexual chemistry with any of them. It’s about human connection. Which isn’t to say sexual chemistry doesn’t exist in those relationships, just that to me it doesn’t feel like the focus of my time with those people. But is “falling/being IN love” any different from simply loving? Is it a choice you make or something that just happens? I’m half furious, half hurt that this person raised these questions in me and then disappeared, yet I’m grateful to be pushed into examining important, difficult issues in my life. Perhaps that was the whole reason for our brief intersection.
I feel torn in different directions. I’m reaching a new level of appreciation for the special people in my life, those friends who stick by me through my emotional hurricanes and creative hibernations. Yet I’m craving new blood, new experiences, new perspectives. Balance. That’s what I need.
Tonya
P.S. I feel like I haven’t been writing enough sexy sexy phone sex stuff lately, but going there right now seems superficial. Either someone gets me, or they don’t. Either they think my honesty and openness is sexy, or they don’t. Either they can tell by my writing that I’m creative and imaginative, or they can’t. I’m sure I’ll be inspired to write more erotica in the future, but until then I hope those of you who appreciate that side of me will be patient or indulge yourself in a call. Trust me, the phone sex is still sizzling… *smiles*
Topics: My Life | 2 Comments »
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:36 am
You need to get to the morning pages part of that book!
I read it in 07! One of my favorites.
December 4th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Oh man, I am loving the morning pages. *grins*