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I Need a New Title
By Tonya Jone Miller | October 10, 2008
This post was originally going to be called “Anatomy of a Heartbreak” when I started writing it a week ago, but things have changed…
A few Sundays ago, I went to an audition for play called ”After Ashley” by Gina Gionfriddo. It is being produced by a brand new local theatre company, Portland Playhouse. I got great vibes from the people at the audition and was expecting a call-back, which I got the following Wednesday. Unfortunately, it was for Thursday, and I still had Prelude to a Kiss performances so was unable to go. I figured that meant I was out of the running, but lo and behold, there in the audience at PtaK on Friday night were the director and some other folks from the theatre company. He took the trouble to write me an email that night after the show to let me know they were still considering me for the title role and I would hear from them early the next week (last week).
Monday, he called and asked me to come in on Wednesday to read again. I picked up the first scene and spent two days working on it. I absolutely fell in love with the character and was a complete wreck about getting the part. I felt great about my read on Wednesday, but I knew they were looking seriously at someone else too. But when I left, the director walked me outside, gave me the rest of the script and a rehearsal schedule (a good sign, right?), and told me he’d call me the next day (last Thursday) with their final decision.
I barely slept that night and was trying to keep from imploding the next day. I don’t know how I missed his phone call, but when I listened to my messages, my heart sank…”This is a really hard call for me to have to make.” He went on to say some very nice things about me, but the bottom line was that they’d offered the part to the other person. Well of course I cried my eyes out for about ten minutes, pulled myself together, and made the obligatory, professional keep-me-in-mind-for-future-projects phone call. I then called my friend, Ingrid, and begged her to distract me. One pedicure and three glasses of wine later, I’d almost gotten over my initial upset when my cell phone rang. It was the director, asking me if I’d be willing to share the role with the other actress. In shock, I agreed, just so happy to get any chance to play the role at all.
But then I started thinking about the logistics…How would being double-cast work? Who would rehearse when? How would it affect the other actors? Would I get relegated to all the weekday or afternoon performances? We couldn’t be expected to parrot each other, so essentially it would become two different plays. I called him back the next day, needing reassurance that I’d be an equal partner in the role, not just a stand-in. He said all the right things, but I couldn’t shake my sense that I’d made a bad decision. I spent the weekend agonizing over it. Plus, this was all going on during the closing weekend of Prelude to a Kiss, AND I had my sister staying over, which as much as I love her, kind of disrupts our work life.
I wanted the part so badly. It’s such an amazing play, and even though it’s a relatively small role (only really appears in the extended opening scene), it’s a powerhouse. Getting to be Ashley half the time would be better than not at all, right? I tried so hard to convince myself of that. But I also try hard not to lie to myself, and I know my weaknesses, both as a person and as an actor. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I just couldn’t do it. When I commit to a role, I give 200%. I have to know my director is behind me at least 100%. Lol, but true. I’d always feel second-best. I’d be afraid to speak up, to fight for my ideas, because I wouldn’t feel the role was MINE. It’s one thing to be the second choice, but to be given the role outright. It’s entirely another beast to know you are the second choice and to have to act next to/in tandem with the first choice. I just didn’t see how that environment would be conducive to me turning in quality work on a role that deserves it.
Which is what I told the director when I called to decline the role. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. But as soon as I hung up, I felt this incredible sense of relief, so I knew I’d made the correct choice. As Howard put it, “that’s the only time I’ve ever seen you so unhappy about getting a part.” I was really bummed, but he was right. I told them I’d be happy to step in if things didn’t work out with the other actress, but that I would be doing everyone a disservice to go along with the double-casting. I’m not the best at saying no. I always want to make everyone happy. But I was proud of myself. I know my worth, and I was willing to lose out on a choice part rather than be in what for me would have been an untenable position.
But there’s something amazing that happens when you do the right thing…I did the right thing for me, and I can’t help but feel like the Universe rewarded me for being willing to make a sacrifice. I apologize if I sound grandiose, but it is a small and simple truth I keep being reminded of…You must stand behind your word; you must stand up for the things you believe in. See, the next day I got another call…They offered me the entire role! Talk about up and down- I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for weeks now. I don’t know why or how or what happened with the other actress, and I don’t really care. Rehearsals start tomorrow, and I have a job to do…
YAY!!!
Topics: My Life |
October 13th, 2008 at 12:41 am
SOOO proud of you. The universe really does listen! I’m living proof :).