Got my first round of applications in for the Fringe Festival circuit next year. I didn’t win the touring lottery (which guarantees you at least five festivals) but there were 46 applicants for 5 international spots, so I wasn’t really expecting to. So far, I’ve applied to Orlando, Toronto, Winnipeg, and Edmonton. Depending on which, if any, of those I get into, I may apply for Atlanta, DC, Minneapolis, Boulder, Indianapolis, Chicago, San Francisco, and/or Vancouver as well. It feels good to get the applications in- now it’s just a waiting game.

I need to do a re-write of Threads. I made a ton of discoveries during my two runs so far, and there are a number of small changes that have been percolating in my brain. Nothing too major- I don’t think- but who knows? Once I get started…

I am also thinking about finding a director. My last one did a bang-up job, and I couldn’t have created the show I did without him, but I feel like I could benefit from a new perspective.

And that statement is true on so many levels. (More to come…)

My run of Threads at the 1 Festival, while not as heavily attended as I had hoped, was a creative/artistic breakthrough for me. I found so many new moments in the show! By the end of my Fertile Ground run, I think I was just burnt out. On everything- the writing, the editing, the acting, the producing, all of it. I really had fun with it this time. I experimented a lot more and felt like my performance was more spontaneous and genuine. I’m very good at memorizing lines, but unfortunately my method can sometimes trap me in a sort of sing-songy rhythm. I was able to almost completely break out of that during these shows. Triumph!

In other news, both Bay City Blues and Talk Lust are doing better than I had even hoped. We are growing, slowly but steadily, and I am truly enjoying my re-immersion in the phone sex world. A lot of things have changed in the past 8 years, mostly technology, and the industry is very different than when I started. I spend a ton of time working on ways to better serve our clients, but I have to remind myself that expansion takes time. I get an idea and want it implemented yesterday. Lol. If I’m not careful I can spend 12-14 hours straight at the computer, which isn’t good for me, either physically or mentally.

Sooooo…I had a fuckload of rewards points from an old credit card I paid off and forgot about, and they were going to expire today if I didn’t do something with them. I haven’t been to Las Vegas in years, and it’s one of my favorite places to visit. I know it’s tacky, trashy fun, and I don’t care. I’m not a snob. I love getting lost in the glitz and spectacle, the people-watching, amazing restaurants, and yes a few tugs at the slots. I got a free suite at the Venetian using my points, and found a super cheap round-trip flight! I’m taking my first vacation in over four years. And Cindy is going to join me for the first two days! Even though I’ll have to check in a few times on the phone sex biz (when you’re the owner, the buck never stops stopping here, you know?), I intend to make the most of 4 days and 3 nights…But uh, nothing happened and you don’t know jack, right? Right?!? *wink*

Tonya

I spent a lot of time contemplating my options, and I settled on a desktop for now, with plans to add an iPad for my portable needs. There’s little I would need to do on a laptop that wouldn’t require me being in my home office anyway, and the iPad will be able to handle it. Until then, I’ll manage between my iPhone and iMac.

Definitely need a better computer now that I’m buckling down and getting serious about being Ms. Phone Sex Entrepreneur. I forgot how much WORK there is off the phones when you’re running a real company and not just working independently. Plus, I always had Howard to deal with the icky business side of things I’ve let myself be ignorant about. It’s not that I can’t handle the finances or managerial duties, it’s that (prior to this) I’ve always chosen jobs or partners that didn’t require much of me in that respect. No more.

I have a real tax accountant now, one who uses phrases like “your tax strategy” and “live the corporate lifestyle to offset your personal expenses.” It’s totally surreal. But I just got sick of living in this mindset of “oh I don’t understand/care about business details and taxes and accounting.” It’s total bullshit, and it has been holding me back from reaching the next level of financial responsibility/security. And yeah, I know this probably doesn’t seem very sexy or interesting, but damn it, I’m PROUD of myself for getting my head out of my arse.

Being so immersed in the phone sex and porn world again is both familiar and new. Things have changed a lot in the past two years, and even more when I think about my first time around, starting in 2004. New faces, new technology, new rules. I’m spending a lot of time thinking about what turns ME on and what I, as a sex industry worker and consumer, could benefit from. I guess it’s a business approach to my own sexuality- what works for me? What do I need/want? And by extension, what would a larger audience find compelling?

This coincides with being approached by a production company interested in building a web series or tv show around me. The catch? We need an angle. Not sure how to blend the foodie, phone sex, bdsm, and/or theater parts of my personality or what kind of format the show would be. I mean, there really are so many possibilities, where do I start?

Fuck. My To-Do List keeps getting longer…

What a great way to start the day!!! (With a perma-grin for the rest of it.)

R

“Equal parts Scheherazade and super slut.” I love it. Hehehe. Erotic storytelling is definitely one of my special phone sex talents. I think my training and experience as an actor helps me to improvise scenarios off the top of my head and “perform” them in an engaging, realistic way even when the fantasy itself is extreme or impossible. The key is simple and something you’ll hear in any Acting 101 class: you have to commit to the given circumstances.

Interesting thought to ponder as I start my day… *smiles*

Tonya

But I need some escapism, because one of our ensemble members has dropped out of the Inviting Desire remount. She has very valid reasons, but the prospect of finding someone to replace her is rather daunting. It would be one thing if it were just the shows in Portland, but whoever we cast has to be able to get along with the rest of us in a van for 7 weeks in Canada. *sigh* I do believe everything happens for a reason, so I know we’ll find the perfect person. I’m just trying to relax and trust that we’ll pull it all together like we did the last time. *deep breath* By the way, info on the June shows will be up on my Events & Appearances page soon. We expect to sell out, based on previous demand, so please reserve tickets online if you plan on coming. We turned so many people away from the last shows, and I’d hate for that to happen to anyone I care about.

I’m also trying to get back into the swing of things, being more involved again in Bay City Blues. I’m pleased with how the recent changes have been received and more determined than ever to carve out our unique niche in the phone sex world. We’ve been getting tons of applications, but we have to be even more selective now, since only a special kind of operator understands what we’re trying to do. But even if it takes longer, we’re determined to hire only the sexiest, most creative and open-minded women we run across. My recent S/m explorations and the people I’ve met in the kink community have convinced me that there are plenty of sex-positive women out there who could genuinely enjoy and benefit from phone sex work. I intend to find them. *grin*

I also have a big surprise in the works, something that combines my acting experience and phone sex work. I haven’t mentioned it before now, because after a decade of my rock’n'roll friends’ sure-thing big-break stories that never panned out, I didn’t want to jinx it. But if everything goes according to plan, you will soon see me on an episode of a show on a major premium cable network. How ’bout them apples? It hardly seems real, which is probably another reason I haven’t wanted to talk about it. But I think it’s actually going to happen, and I will be sure to post details as I get them.

Oh hey look, I managed to write some. Lol. Guess I’m not so undisciplined after all. I think that means I should reward myself with a shirtless Hugh Jackman. Heh.

Tonya

On opening night, a very “normal” looking woman came up to me with a look of discovery on her face. She said one of my pieces made her understand the attraction to pain and bdsm for the first time. Truth is, she didn’t have to say it- I could SEE it in her eyes. I cried. Because what did I write a few posts back? If my work in this play could speak to just one person and alter their perceptions/judgments, then I would feel like I had accomplished my goal. *smile* Words have power. I love that.

It’s possible we will extend the run for another weekend of shows, and we are definitely touring Inviting Desire to some fringe festivals in Canada this summer. I’d love to be able to take it to NYC, L.A., and Chicago as well, but we shall see…Right now I’m just enjoying the fruits of my labor…

Have I mentioned how hot my phone sex calls have been lately? I imagine it’s just that this show has decimated any last vestiges of propriety in my dirty little mind. Hehehe. Whatever the reason, I’m not complaining. *grin*

But the thought of standing on a stage and asking the audience to look at me in just panties is terrifying. I am physically imperfect in many ways. Stretch marks, scars, cellulite…But there it is. This is who I am. I earned those marks, like I earn the bruises and welts I take when I’m bottoming. And I should be just as proud of them. In my calmer moments, I realize what I’m doing is actually distilling a universally human experience into a few moments. In the end, in our own ways, don’t we all just want to be seen for who and what we really are and loved not just in spite of our flaws but because of them?

Seen, known, loved, desired, taken. Those words kept coming up for us during the creation of Inviting Desire. They were recurring themes in most of the fantasies of the women we interviewed and surveyed. And I understand why, because it’s what I want too. I’m lucky that I’ve already found it and that there is still room in my life for more.

So I’m not making a secret of my fear. The only way I know to get it out of my body is to express it. I am openly acknowledging it and even just writing this feels liberating. Someone pointed out to me that if I’m this scared, it’s worth examining whether I really want to do this. A good point, but I already spent weeks agonizing over it. He doesn’t quite know me well enough yet to know that when I put my mind to something, I do it. It may take me a while to make a decision, and I may go back and forth a lot, but when I decide to accomplish something, there is no stopping me.

My mother likes to tell the story of my application to be an exchange student when I was 15. It was a months-long process, and early on we went to an invitation-only orientation meeting. I had passed the first round and found myself sitting in a room with a dozen fellow over-achievers and their parental units. The Rotary Club in my district that sponsored exhanges sent one student a year. I could see my mom figuring the math in her head.

As we walked out of the meeting, she was trying to prepare me for possible disappointment by talking about how extraordinary it was to even be included in that group of students and she hoped having a single parent wasn’t going to hurt my chances and blah blah blah. This is the part of the story she loves. I looked at her for a minute while she kept talking, and then I said, “Mom, STOP. I’m going to get it.” She didn’t say another word, and I really enjoyed my year in Chile. *grin*

It’s funny, but I felt the same way about Inviting Desire. Before I even auditioned, somehow I KNEW I was going to get it. (I mean, really…Who better than pervy slutty me? Heh.) I spent weeks rehearsing my signature piece in the show, but it didn’t break open for me until I realized the only way to truly convey what I wanted was by revealing real marks on my body. If I want people to understand, they need to see me relate to the pain and its aftermath in a joyful, sensual way. Once that realization hit me, the decision was simple, fear or no fear. I believe the world would benefit from seeing that sex-positive and kinky people are not so different from anyone else. When it boils down, we all just want to be seen, known, loved, desired, taken.

So I need to do this piece in this way. Because I can. Because it will affect people and open their minds. Because nobody else is or can or will. Because I have the luxury of a life lived openly, without fear of reprisals from family, friends, or work. Because if just one person feels more connected, less marginalized, not alone as a result of this show, I will have accomplished my goal. Because in spite of my terror, when I step out on that stage, I will have 100% faith in my words and actions. When I operate out of a place of complete conviction, there is no success and no failure. There is simply me knowing I put everything I am into everything I do. For me, that is living life right.

I can feel the fear starting to slip away as I write these words. I don’t think the world is ready for this, but they’re going to love it!

Tonya

And yet, the idea of being a young, budding girl is infinitely attractive to me in theory. It’s the IDEA of it, the endless possibilities inherent in fantasy, that is the turn on to me. I am in a place of exploration, so full of sexual energy I’m overflowing with fantasy and desire and lust and whatever words we attach to it. There are, of course, physical and emotional limitations to actualizing what my brain, heart, and cunt tell me I want. So again, I am left with the notion of anticipation…

In acting, anticipation and expectations are a trap. One can only prepare and then do and react in the moment, otherwise the spontaneous being that is acting cannot happen. I begin to believe that desire is the same. I cannot manufacture it, but I can create an environment, a state of being, that is conducive to desire. Desire is in the NOW. Fantasy is in the future. So for me, anticipation is the bridge between the two. I feel desire so I anticipate what could happen. Fantasy.

Anyway, I will get around to writing the piece, but sometimes discovering your voice is more important than figuring out what to say.

The Oregonian
Willamette Week
The Portland Mercury
The Portland Tribune

I am really proud of my work in this show, even though it’s a smaller part.  I think the play as a whole is one of the best projects I’ve been involved with since I did Fiction in NYC.  And when this is over, I still have Inviting Desire to look forward to!  It’s new and different to me, working on a collaborative project, but I am really enjoying it.  I’ve been inspired to return to FetLife, after needing to take a step back. 

It’s interesting, exploring your fantasies and navigating that obstacles that reality throws in the way.  Never a dull moment.  I am actively trying to expand my comfort zone and knowledge level, but I have to remind myself that everything is relative.  I am probably the most experienced kinkster in the Inviting Desire ensemble, but I’m considered a novice in the bdsm scene.  *shrug*  No need to waste energy fighting people’s assumptions.  Instead, I’m enjoying my new-girl smell.  Lol.  

Putting theory into practice is definitely a challenge, but I think my five years of phone sex work makes me slightly more enlightened and experienced than the average person simply because my approach is so personal and immersive.  The key for me is balance- remaining open to learning and not having all the answers, while simultaneously trusting my instinct and communicating my needs/desires.  I’m getting better at it.  Lol.

I’m writing TONS of damn sexy erotica right now, and I’m dying to share some of it with you, but I need to talk to the ensemble first. I don’t know how exclusive our work is expected to be at this juncture. As soon as I can, I promise I will post some delightfully naughty teasers here. This show is going to be hot hot HOT! *grins* Ooh, before I forget, here’s your chance to get involved. We’re in the research phase and have come up with a list of questions about fantasy and desire which we are attempting to pose to as many women as possible. Ladies, if you wish to assist us by sharing your insight, please send your answers to tonya@tonyajonemiller.com. Don’t feel you need to answer all of the questions, just the ones that strike a chord with you personally. Let me know if you wish to be credited or anonymous. Sorry, gentlemen, the show is about WOMEN’S sexual fantasies. (After a half decade as an aural courtesan, I’d like to think I know what most of your answers would be to a lot of these anyway…*grin* On second thought, I’m sure I have no idea. LOL!)

What is desire? How is it different from longing and/or lust? Can desire be generated? How?

Where do fantasies come from? What do you remember being your earliest fantasy? How are your fantasies the same as or different from when you were a child?

What is the function of fantasy?

Give me a sense of the nature of your fantasies. Are they elaborate, detailed stories? Or images and snapshots? Are they clear and vivid detail or vague and fuzzy?

When and how often do you fantasize? Alone? With a partner? During sex? During mundane activities?

Do you share your fantasies with your partner? Do they share theirs with you?

Have you tried realizing any of your fantasies? How has that been for you? Does realizing a fantasy ever take away from the excitement that you feel around it?

I would welcome any and all answers. We are trying to sample the widest possible variety of women of all colors, shapes, sizes, ethnic backgrounds, socio-economic levels, and sexual preferences/identies. And feel free to pass on the questions and my email address to any women you know who may wish to contribute. Thanks so much!

Ok, I need to get my butt in gear so I can grab a bite to eat and get to the theatre. I am so psyched to do the show tonight!

But lest it seem like I’m ungrateful, let me just affirm that I’m very happy to be this busy.  I am THRILLED to be a part of both of these projects.  And getting to do such challenging work!  But the 17th will be my first day off in the month of November.  Seriously.  I don’t think I’ve ever been more scheduled in my life.  Lol.  And of course, since I’m not around as much, when I ~am~ here to work on BCB stuff, I feel a lot of pressure.  There’s a whole long blog entry in my head about how phone sex has changed and evolved over the last five years, but I cannot bring myself to write it now.  Because… 

Have I mentioned that Inviting Desire is a collaborative ensemble project?  So when I have the time and inspiration now to write, I’m focusing my energy on exploring ideas for the show.  I may share them here at some time, but right now I feel like they belong to the ensemble still and are not completely mine to talk about.  Obviously, as we are dealing with real women’s sexuality and fantasies, honoring the confidentiality of our creative process is a must.  What I can say is that I am working with six other wonderful, sex-positive women on a show that is going to blow people’s minds.  Whatever the finished product that we present to our audience- and right now it is still taking shape- I am convinced already that we are going to really shake things up.

Yay.  Life is good.  Busy, but good.  *grins*  Now I have to go run some errands and try to squeeze in some sexy calls before I scamper off to rehearsal tonight.

Tonya