What a great way to start the day!!! (With a perma-grin for the rest of it.)

R

“Equal parts Scheherazade and super slut.” I love it. Hehehe. Erotic storytelling is definitely one of my special phone sex talents. I think my training and experience as an actor helps me to improvise scenarios off the top of my head and “perform” them in an engaging, realistic way even when the fantasy itself is extreme or impossible. The key is simple and something you’ll hear in any Acting 101 class: you have to commit to the given circumstances.

Interesting thought to ponder as I start my day… *smiles*

Tonya

But I need some escapism, because one of our ensemble members has dropped out of the Inviting Desire remount. She has very valid reasons, but the prospect of finding someone to replace her is rather daunting. It would be one thing if it were just the shows in Portland, but whoever we cast has to be able to get along with the rest of us in a van for 7 weeks in Canada. *sigh* I do believe everything happens for a reason, so I know we’ll find the perfect person. I’m just trying to relax and trust that we’ll pull it all together like we did the last time. *deep breath* By the way, info on the June shows will be up on my Events & Appearances page soon. We expect to sell out, based on previous demand, so please reserve tickets online if you plan on coming. We turned so many people away from the last shows, and I’d hate for that to happen to anyone I care about.

I’m also trying to get back into the swing of things, being more involved again in Bay City Blues. I’m pleased with how the recent changes have been received and more determined than ever to carve out our unique niche in the phone sex world. We’ve been getting tons of applications, but we have to be even more selective now, since only a special kind of operator understands what we’re trying to do. But even if it takes longer, we’re determined to hire only the sexiest, most creative and open-minded women we run across. My recent S/m explorations and the people I’ve met in the kink community have convinced me that there are plenty of sex-positive women out there who could genuinely enjoy and benefit from phone sex work. I intend to find them. *grin*

I also have a big surprise in the works, something that combines my acting experience and phone sex work. I haven’t mentioned it before now, because after a decade of my rock’n'roll friends’ sure-thing big-break stories that never panned out, I didn’t want to jinx it. But if everything goes according to plan, you will soon see me on an episode of a show on a major premium cable network. How ’bout them apples? It hardly seems real, which is probably another reason I haven’t wanted to talk about it. But I think it’s actually going to happen, and I will be sure to post details as I get them.

Oh hey look, I managed to write some. Lol. Guess I’m not so undisciplined after all. I think that means I should reward myself with a shirtless Hugh Jackman. Heh.

Tonya

On opening night, a very “normal” looking woman came up to me with a look of discovery on her face. She said one of my pieces made her understand the attraction to pain and bdsm for the first time. Truth is, she didn’t have to say it- I could SEE it in her eyes. I cried. Because what did I write a few posts back? If my work in this play could speak to just one person and alter their perceptions/judgments, then I would feel like I had accomplished my goal. *smile* Words have power. I love that.

It’s possible we will extend the run for another weekend of shows, and we are definitely touring Inviting Desire to some fringe festivals in Canada this summer. I’d love to be able to take it to NYC, L.A., and Chicago as well, but we shall see…Right now I’m just enjoying the fruits of my labor…

Have I mentioned how hot my phone sex calls have been lately? I imagine it’s just that this show has decimated any last vestiges of propriety in my dirty little mind. Hehehe. Whatever the reason, I’m not complaining. *grin*

But the thought of standing on a stage and asking the audience to look at me in just panties is terrifying. I am physically imperfect in many ways. Stretch marks, scars, cellulite…But there it is. This is who I am. I earned those marks, like I earn the bruises and welts I take when I’m bottoming. And I should be just as proud of them. In my calmer moments, I realize what I’m doing is actually distilling a universally human experience into a few moments. In the end, in our own ways, don’t we all just want to be seen for who and what we really are and loved not just in spite of our flaws but because of them?

Seen, known, loved, desired, taken. Those words kept coming up for us during the creation of Inviting Desire. They were recurring themes in most of the fantasies of the women we interviewed and surveyed. And I understand why, because it’s what I want too. I’m lucky that I’ve already found it and that there is still room in my life for more.

So I’m not making a secret of my fear. The only way I know to get it out of my body is to express it. I am openly acknowledging it and even just writing this feels liberating. Someone pointed out to me that if I’m this scared, it’s worth examining whether I really want to do this. A good point, but I already spent weeks agonizing over it. He doesn’t quite know me well enough yet to know that when I put my mind to something, I do it. It may take me a while to make a decision, and I may go back and forth a lot, but when I decide to accomplish something, there is no stopping me.

My mother likes to tell the story of my application to be an exchange student when I was 15. It was a months-long process, and early on we went to an invitation-only orientation meeting. I had passed the first round and found myself sitting in a room with a dozen fellow over-achievers and their parental units. The Rotary Club in my district that sponsored exhanges sent one student a year. I could see my mom figuring the math in her head.

As we walked out of the meeting, she was trying to prepare me for possible disappointment by talking about how extraordinary it was to even be included in that group of students and she hoped having a single parent wasn’t going to hurt my chances and blah blah blah. This is the part of the story she loves. I looked at her for a minute while she kept talking, and then I said, “Mom, STOP. I’m going to get it.” She didn’t say another word, and I really enjoyed my year in Chile. *grin*

It’s funny, but I felt the same way about Inviting Desire. Before I even auditioned, somehow I KNEW I was going to get it. (I mean, really…Who better than pervy slutty me? Heh.) I spent weeks rehearsing my signature piece in the show, but it didn’t break open for me until I realized the only way to truly convey what I wanted was by revealing real marks on my body. If I want people to understand, they need to see me relate to the pain and its aftermath in a joyful, sensual way. Once that realization hit me, the decision was simple, fear or no fear. I believe the world would benefit from seeing that sex-positive and kinky people are not so different from anyone else. When it boils down, we all just want to be seen, known, loved, desired, taken.

So I need to do this piece in this way. Because I can. Because it will affect people and open their minds. Because nobody else is or can or will. Because I have the luxury of a life lived openly, without fear of reprisals from family, friends, or work. Because if just one person feels more connected, less marginalized, not alone as a result of this show, I will have accomplished my goal. Because in spite of my terror, when I step out on that stage, I will have 100% faith in my words and actions. When I operate out of a place of complete conviction, there is no success and no failure. There is simply me knowing I put everything I am into everything I do. For me, that is living life right.

I can feel the fear starting to slip away as I write these words. I don’t think the world is ready for this, but they’re going to love it!

Tonya

And yet, the idea of being a young, budding girl is infinitely attractive to me in theory. It’s the IDEA of it, the endless possibilities inherent in fantasy, that is the turn on to me. I am in a place of exploration, so full of sexual energy I’m overflowing with fantasy and desire and lust and whatever words we attach to it. There are, of course, physical and emotional limitations to actualizing what my brain, heart, and cunt tell me I want. So again, I am left with the notion of anticipation…

In acting, anticipation and expectations are a trap. One can only prepare and then do and react in the moment, otherwise the spontaneous being that is acting cannot happen. I begin to believe that desire is the same. I cannot manufacture it, but I can create an environment, a state of being, that is conducive to desire. Desire is in the NOW. Fantasy is in the future. So for me, anticipation is the bridge between the two. I feel desire so I anticipate what could happen. Fantasy.

Anyway, I will get around to writing the piece, but sometimes discovering your voice is more important than figuring out what to say.

The Oregonian
Willamette Week
The Portland Mercury
The Portland Tribune

I am really proud of my work in this show, even though it’s a smaller part.  I think the play as a whole is one of the best projects I’ve been involved with since I did Fiction in NYC.  And when this is over, I still have Inviting Desire to look forward to!  It’s new and different to me, working on a collaborative project, but I am really enjoying it.  I’ve been inspired to return to FetLife, after needing to take a step back. 

It’s interesting, exploring your fantasies and navigating that obstacles that reality throws in the way.  Never a dull moment.  I am actively trying to expand my comfort zone and knowledge level, but I have to remind myself that everything is relative.  I am probably the most experienced kinkster in the Inviting Desire ensemble, but I’m considered a novice in the bdsm scene.  *shrug*  No need to waste energy fighting people’s assumptions.  Instead, I’m enjoying my new-girl smell.  Lol.  

Putting theory into practice is definitely a challenge, but I think my five years of phone sex work makes me slightly more enlightened and experienced than the average person simply because my approach is so personal and immersive.  The key for me is balance- remaining open to learning and not having all the answers, while simultaneously trusting my instinct and communicating my needs/desires.  I’m getting better at it.  Lol.

I’m writing TONS of damn sexy erotica right now, and I’m dying to share some of it with you, but I need to talk to the ensemble first. I don’t know how exclusive our work is expected to be at this juncture. As soon as I can, I promise I will post some delightfully naughty teasers here. This show is going to be hot hot HOT! *grins* Ooh, before I forget, here’s your chance to get involved. We’re in the research phase and have come up with a list of questions about fantasy and desire which we are attempting to pose to as many women as possible. Ladies, if you wish to assist us by sharing your insight, please send your answers to tonya@tonyajonemiller.com. Don’t feel you need to answer all of the questions, just the ones that strike a chord with you personally. Let me know if you wish to be credited or anonymous. Sorry, gentlemen, the show is about WOMEN’S sexual fantasies. (After a half decade as an aural courtesan, I’d like to think I know what most of your answers would be to a lot of these anyway…*grin* On second thought, I’m sure I have no idea. LOL!)

What is desire? How is it different from longing and/or lust? Can desire be generated? How?

Where do fantasies come from? What do you remember being your earliest fantasy? How are your fantasies the same as or different from when you were a child?

What is the function of fantasy?

Give me a sense of the nature of your fantasies. Are they elaborate, detailed stories? Or images and snapshots? Are they clear and vivid detail or vague and fuzzy?

When and how often do you fantasize? Alone? With a partner? During sex? During mundane activities?

Do you share your fantasies with your partner? Do they share theirs with you?

Have you tried realizing any of your fantasies? How has that been for you? Does realizing a fantasy ever take away from the excitement that you feel around it?

I would welcome any and all answers. We are trying to sample the widest possible variety of women of all colors, shapes, sizes, ethnic backgrounds, socio-economic levels, and sexual preferences/identies. And feel free to pass on the questions and my email address to any women you know who may wish to contribute. Thanks so much!

Ok, I need to get my butt in gear so I can grab a bite to eat and get to the theatre. I am so psyched to do the show tonight!

But lest it seem like I’m ungrateful, let me just affirm that I’m very happy to be this busy.  I am THRILLED to be a part of both of these projects.  And getting to do such challenging work!  But the 17th will be my first day off in the month of November.  Seriously.  I don’t think I’ve ever been more scheduled in my life.  Lol.  And of course, since I’m not around as much, when I ~am~ here to work on BCB stuff, I feel a lot of pressure.  There’s a whole long blog entry in my head about how phone sex has changed and evolved over the last five years, but I cannot bring myself to write it now.  Because… 

Have I mentioned that Inviting Desire is a collaborative ensemble project?  So when I have the time and inspiration now to write, I’m focusing my energy on exploring ideas for the show.  I may share them here at some time, but right now I feel like they belong to the ensemble still and are not completely mine to talk about.  Obviously, as we are dealing with real women’s sexuality and fantasies, honoring the confidentiality of our creative process is a must.  What I can say is that I am working with six other wonderful, sex-positive women on a show that is going to blow people’s minds.  Whatever the finished product that we present to our audience- and right now it is still taking shape- I am convinced already that we are going to really shake things up.

Yay.  Life is good.  Busy, but good.  *grins*  Now I have to go run some errands and try to squeeze in some sexy calls before I scamper off to rehearsal tonight.

Tonya

I ran into friend briefly at Toro Bravo the other night who mentioned I don’t write as much as I used to. Of course that’s true, for a myriad of reasons. Now that I’m more heavily involved in theatre and performance than I ever have been during my phone sex career, I find myself spread increasingly more thin. There is tons of writing involved in my rehearsal and character exploration process, so it leaves me less inspired to blog. And in a weird way, I also feel less myself. It’s not that I lose myself in a character so much as I find myself in a character, but that requires thinking, reacting, and approaching the world in a different way than I might normally.

I usually take time off between projects to decompress and get caught up at Bay City Blues, but moving directly from Prelude to a Kiss into rehearsals for After Ashley has got me feeling a little under the gun. In addition, I’m taking an amazing advanced scene study class and some private coaching with a brilliant local actor/director, Michael Mendelson. I feel like he is really helping me address some of my personal challenges as an actor, but it truly takes effort and means more time for rehearsals with my scene partner and work on my own for our private sessions. Completely worth it, though, because I can feel the difference already.

And the craziness is not nearly over. I’ve just been cast as part of the ensemble for Inviting Desire, which will be a collaborative work about women’s sexuality and fantasies which will be premiering as part of the Fertile Ground New Works Festival in January. I am so excited to be a part of this project! It’s right up my alley and will be a powerful, enlightening, SEXY evening of theatrical performace. Plus, I really like the rest of the women involved. It’s nice to connect with strong, sexual females- makes me feel like I’m not alone in the world, you know? There ~are~ other women who are brave enough to live openly kinky, sex-positive lives. Yay!!!

So yes, basically this means I’ll be working on at least one project and sometimes two until the end of January! Can you believe it? I feel like my acting career is really taking off, though I’m sure that means different things for me than it might for some. I’m getting to work on worthwhile, thought-provoking material as much as I want, and am even in the enviable position of turning down offers and eschewing auditions for the time being. Besides, I think I’ll want to take a little break after Inviting Desire since it will be six months straight of theatre work by the time it’s over. (And if it’s a success, we might re-mount it after the festival or attempt to tour it or who knows…)

Now if that weren’t enough…This all comes together at a time when I’m feeling…Tested…When I “came out” as a phone sex operator, I did so because I believe society as a whole must have proof that a strong, sexy, kinky woman who makes a living in the sex industry can also be a kind, loving, caring, contributor to the community. Unless those of us who are willing and able step up and live without shame, people will continue to believe all sex workers are somehow evil, wrong, and/or bad. I choose to be a living example to the contrary, and when I made that choice, I knew there would be repercussions…

For example, the other day I was informed that they needed to take the link to this website off of the Portland Playhouse website. I do not blame them at all, though I did tell them I wouldn’t be censoring myself when I write here. One of my co-stars is 17, so you can probably figure out why it’s a touchy issue. (Although I have to say he is infinitely more savvy and aware than most 27-year-olds I know, but the law is the law, and I don’t even want to get near it.) Also, as a new company, they are actively seeking sponsors and advertisers and again, the concerns are obvious. It really doesn’t upset me that they removed the link- to be truthful, I was shocked when they put it up in the first place. But I am glad they chose to address the situation with me directly as opposed to just deleting the link. I do understand, but it only makes me more determined not to hide who I am. People need to know a life like mine is possible and needn’t be lived in shame or regret.

The very next day, I was contacted by the casting director of a television production company in the Los Angeles area. (Stay with me, I know it seems like I’m jumping all over the place.) They stumbled upon Chef Crush and just like I’ve always said, they thought it could make a great reality travel/food show. Can you believe that!?! This is a serious company. International players. They produce programming for the BBC and major cable and broadcast networks. I guarantee if I started reeling off the names of their shows, you’d have heard of them, but I’m not going to get ahead of myself. What I know is that it’s the Hollywood machine and runs on hype…If one person comes sniffing, chances are more will follow…

I sent them some photos of Ingrid and me, along with my basic ideas for a show. But then I started to freak out. I thought, “they’re never going to give me a tv show, not with my background.” That’s the direction I started to head. And yet, teenage twins just moved in with octogenarian Hugh Hefner, presumably for better ratings…David Duchovny reveals his sex addiction…Porn stars vie for a job in “legitimate” business in one reality show…Seems to me these days that sex scandals often make more stars than break them, unless of course the parties involved are politicians or clergy members. So what’s to say me being an aural courtesan would bother anyone at all?

Ok, then the realist in me says it could be a dealbreaker, especially for major corporations and brand names like oh say, the Food Network. And the pacifist in me says oh maybe you could tone down the sex on your blog or organize it so it’s less in-your-face. And then the ME in me says…FUCK THEM. This is me. I am charming and funny and would make an excellent show host. If people can’t handle my sexuality, that is THEIR problem. If it limits them from knowing me or hiring me, that is THEIR loss. And I feel like getting Inviting Desire was the reminder I needed that I can and should stay true to myself. Gay men and women who come out of the closet can’t just go back in when it’s convenient. And neither can I. I cannot deny who I am just to make a quick buck or get my face on tv. It would make me the worst kind of hypocrite, and I would not be able to live with myself.

So there you have it.  Why I’m busy, why I haven’t written…No lack of good in my life and an abundance of love and joy.  Share it with me?

Yes, sometimes I have a juvenile sense of humor, I admit it. Lol. Thanks to SweetGuy for knowing I’d appreciate these photos.

In other news, I’m having an absolute blast rehearsing After Ashley. My director knows how to put the “play” into a play, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, well, let’s just say rehearsals are challenging and fun. I really thrive in an experimental environment, and I love doing improvs and other exercises. I’m almost off-book and am starting to work on my characterization. Maybe I’ll share some of it here if I feel like it, but then again sometimes I like to keep that aspect of my acting work to myself. I’ll see how I feel once I delve into it…

A few Sundays ago, I went to an audition for play called ”After Ashley” by Gina Gionfriddo.  It is being produced by a brand new local theatre company, Portland Playhouse.  I got great vibes from the people at the audition and was expecting a call-back, which I got the following Wednesday.  Unfortunately, it was for Thursday, and I still had Prelude to a Kiss performances so was unable to go.  I figured that meant I was out of the running, but lo and behold, there in the audience at PtaK on Friday night were the director and some other folks from the theatre company.  He took the trouble to write me an email that night after the show to let me know they were still considering me for the title role and I would hear from them early the next week (last week). 

Monday, he called and asked me to come in on Wednesday to read again.  I picked up the first scene and spent two days working on it.  I absolutely fell in love with the character and was a complete wreck about getting the part.  I felt great about my read on Wednesday, but I knew they were looking seriously at someone else too.  But when I left, the director walked me outside, gave me the rest of the script and a rehearsal schedule (a good sign, right?), and told me he’d call me the next day (last Thursday) with their final decision.

I barely slept that night and was trying to keep from imploding the next day.  I don’t know how I missed his phone call, but when I listened to my messages, my heart sank…”This is a really hard call for me to have to make.”  He went on to say some very nice things about me, but the bottom line was that they’d offered the part to the other person.  Well of course I cried my eyes out for about ten minutes, pulled myself together, and made the obligatory, professional keep-me-in-mind-for-future-projects phone call.  I then called my friend, Ingrid, and begged her to distract me.  One pedicure and three glasses of wine later, I’d almost gotten over my initial upset when my cell phone rang.  It was the director, asking me if I’d be willing to share the role with the other actress.  In shock, I agreed, just so happy to get any chance to play the role at all.

But then I started thinking about the logistics…How would being double-cast work?  Who would rehearse when?  How would it affect the other actors?  Would I get relegated to all the weekday or afternoon performances?  We couldn’t be expected to parrot each other, so essentially it would become two different plays.  I called him back the next day, needing reassurance that I’d be an equal partner in the role, not just a stand-in.  He said all the right things, but I couldn’t shake my sense that I’d made a bad decision.  I spent the weekend agonizing over it.  Plus, this was all going on during the closing weekend of Prelude to a Kiss, AND I had my sister staying over, which as much as I love her, kind of disrupts our work life.

I wanted the part so badly.  It’s such an amazing play, and even though it’s a relatively small role (only really appears in the extended opening scene), it’s a powerhouse.  Getting to be Ashley half the time would be better than not at all, right?  I tried so hard to convince myself of that.  But I also try hard not to lie to myself, and I know my weaknesses, both as a person and as an actor.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized I just couldn’t do it.  When I commit to a role, I give 200%.  I have to know my director is behind me at least 100%.  Lol, but true.  I’d always feel second-best.  I’d be afraid to speak up, to fight for my ideas, because I wouldn’t feel the role was MINE.  It’s one thing to be the second choice, but to be given the role outright.  It’s entirely another beast to know you are the second choice and to have to act next to/in tandem with the first choice.  I just didn’t see how that environment would be conducive to me turning in quality work on a role that deserves it.

Which is what I told the director when I called to decline the role.  That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.  But as soon as I hung up, I felt this incredible sense of relief, so I knew I’d made the correct choice.  As Howard put it, “that’s the only time I’ve ever seen you so unhappy about getting a part.”  I was really bummed, but he was right.  I told them I’d be happy to step in if things didn’t work out with the other actress, but that I would be doing everyone a disservice to go along with the double-casting.  I’m not the best at saying no.  I always want to make everyone happy.  But I was proud of myself.  I know my worth, and I was willing to lose out on a choice part rather than be in what for me would have been an untenable position. 

But there’s something amazing that happens when you do the right thing…I did the right thing for me, and I can’t help but feel like the Universe rewarded me for being willing to make a sacrifice.  I apologize if I sound grandiose, but it is a small and simple truth I keep being reminded of…You must stand behind your word; you must stand up for the things you believe in.  See, the next day I got another call…They offered me the entire role!  Talk about up and down- I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for weeks now.  I don’t know why or how or what happened with the other actress, and I don’t really care.  Rehearsals start tomorrow, and I have a job to do…

YAY!!!