Mom had asked me to read an excerpt of Threads for her friends, so after we ate and before we went to the concert I read the first 15 minutes or so. Very intense to perform the text for the first time in front of so many people. There were laughs where I didn’t expect them and tears where I did. I’m so jazzed about this script! I hold it in my hands, but I still can barely believe it exists.

It’s hard sometimes as an artist you get so immersed in the work that you lose perspective. I mean, I think these stories are compelling and universal, but I have to acknowledge that my personal connection to the people and situations clouds my objectivity. The thing is, I don’t think art is meant to be objective. How interesting is an artist with no opinion, no perspective?

I can feel this…thing. It’s growing, gestating. Just reading a fraction of the text, on my feet, in front of an audience…I can see this show beginning to take shape. I am in awe of its evolution. How do I explain? I created it, but I didn’t. I feel like it created itself through me. These things happened before I was even born. They exist in the vast span of time and always will. I simply gave words to them.

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Tolstoy enema!?! I don’t even know where to begin…I mean, exactly what would that entail? Uhhh, scratch that. I don’t think I want to know. Heh.

I’ve started reading Threads out loud, moving around a bit on my feet to get the words in my body. I’m going to need a director soon- there is more editing to be done, but I think the majority of it will come after I start rehearsing.

This is such a learning process. I sort of know what I’m doing, thanks to Inviting Desire, but this is quite a different show, and I’m doing it all by myself. I try to avoid the mindset of “having to do it right.” After all, this is a unique work, and there is no blueprint, no right or wrong way to do it.

It’s scary. But also invigorating and exciting. I’m actually kind of in awe of it right now. I can look at an actual script that I created. It exists. It’s real. It is no longer just a concept in my mind. It’s a pretty cool feeling.

I’ve drifted from The Artist’s Way as well, and it bothers me. The first few weeks were amazing, but now I find myself struggling with some of the spiritual aspects of creative recovery. I’ve been stuck for a few weeks on the lesson that requires me to examine the payoffs I get from staying creatively blocked. Ironic, no? It’s silly, because I already know what the reward is…When you finish a piece of art of any kind, it suddenly exists to be judged, categorized, rejected. While it is in the process of being made, you are simply an artist. When it is finished, you are either a good artist or a bad artist, at least in other people’s eyes.

I’d like to pretend I am above it all, but truly it’s scary as hell. Self doubt creeps in, and I wonder what the fuck I’m doing and who on Earth will care. The negativity feeds on itself, and I find myself avoiding the work, when all I really need is to immerse myself in it to remember how amazing these stories are. I go through cycles of productivity. I guess I need to get better at exploiting my phases of energy and motivation. Also need to accept that there will be creative downtime and allow myself to be more nurturing and relaxed during those periods.

One thing that has been on my list for a while is painting. I’ve never really painted before, save a couple of half-assed art classes in high school, and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. I even went so far as to put paints and brushes on my Wish List to the Universe, a list of both immediate and long-term desires/goals. Lo and behold, a couple of days ago, a package appeared on my doorstep containing…

Doesn’t that look cool? It’s pretty much everything I need to try my hand at all different sorts of painting- acrylic, oil, watercolor- and a whole heap of extras. I’m totally gobsmacked and can’t wait to get my inner paintrix on. *grins*

I’m sorry it took me so long to write anything here, but it’s good that enough people cared to ask me why I’ve been scarce. When I’m feeling unproductive, it tends to reach into all the corners of my life, and there’s still a part of me that dreads admitting any kind of perceived weakness or failure. (What do you mean I’m human? Heh.)

Anyway, back to revising and editing for me…

What Jail Is Like – The Afghan Whigs
Inside Outside – Storm Large
No Way Out – Kevin Rudolf
Feathers – The Twilight Singers
Maria – Blondie
Blue Ringer – temper.
All These Things That I’ve Done – The Killers
Under The Milky Way – The Church
True – Concrete Blonde
Best Of You – Foo Fighters
Crazy – Gnarls Barkley
Antonio Carlos Jobim – Heatmiser
Never Tear Us Apart – INXS
Get It Faster – Jimmy Eat World
Head On – The Jesus And Mary Chain
Gravity Gets Things Done – The Pale (aka The Pale Pacific)
Live Young, Die Fast – Alkaline Trio
Apologize – One Republic
Island In The Sun – Weezer

Thanks for helping me solve the mystery!

The Well Arts Institute

The arts are a critical component of healthcare. Our mission is to explore, develop and practice creativity as a means of wellness.

Traumatic life experience affects one physically, emotionally and psychologically. Participation in the arts allows individuals to draw upon their creative impulses to come to terms and live with these challenges.

The Well Arts Institute provides a common ground for the development, implementation and documentation of the benefits of creativity as a catalyst in the healing process.

A group of veterans of all ages, both male and female, have been working together since September…Essentially, striving for some sort of sanity and serenity through creativity…Ok, I’m not explaining it very well, but I’m still kind of shaken up…They have been writing, reading, editing, and writing some more, and they will eventually develop their pieces into a full length performance. So I volunteered my time to go read their words…Just so they could hear a fresh perspective, a new voice…And it was one of the most…MY GOD I can’t even describe it…To be the vessel for their catharsis- what an HONOR…And you should HEAR what they have to say…A specific moment, person, loss…The experience of war…Outside this country…Inside their bodies and minds…And they are SO STRONG to reveal their pain…I am moved beyond belief, and it brings me to this…

A number of people have asked me what I want for Christmas, and the answer is this…I want for every person in the world to have access to the arts…Ok, so maybe that’s asking a lot…But if you want to give me a gift I will cherish, then give to the arts…PLEASE…Donate to your local arts community or send a check/money order payable to The Well Arts Institute to 2710 NE 14th Avenue, Portland, Oregon, 97212. It will cost $12K to $15K to eventually produce and mount the show that evolves from their writings…It seems like a lot but really isn’t. Can you forgo your latte tomorrow morning? Even five dollars would help…I myself have pledged one thousand dollars, and I hope to be able to do more…Donations are tax deductible and are an INVESTMENT IN YOUR FUTURE…Art is the mirror which reflects the beauty of our lives, imperfections and all…Art makes life worth living…Art is our conscience…Acting is LIFE to me, the spark that inspires me to make my way in this often back-breaking, soul-shaking, heart-wrenching world…So I say again…Do not get me a present, get US a present…GET THE WORLD A PRESENT…

Thank you. I am, yet again, humbled to be a part of this sexy, unorthodox family…*wink*

Love,
Donna

P.S. How FUCKING COOL is it that we have Justine at Bay City Blues now? She is unique, sexy, and intelligent, and I CAN’T WAIT to do a call with her! Mmmmmm, talk about deviant…We have been chatting a lot lately, and I really think we are lucky to have her here…Welcome aboard, babe!

Thank god for laptops and cell phones, because I’ve actually managed to talk to a bunch of you sexy guys while I’ve been on vacation…Had a shockingly hot call with a very special birthday boy…Oh my sweet little secret, you are an absolute DOLL!!! Had a DELICIOUS interlude with my Chicago writer who is off the Richter scale- you dastardly darling, I hunger for your wicked ways…Made a BRAND NEW CALLER my wedding night cuckold and forced him to settle for sloppy seconds…Mmmm, you exist for my amusement now…Plus, after two more calls, my HYPNO robot slave is coming along nicely…Notice how your mantra has become an undercurrent to the rhythm of your breath, my pet? Got to ride a double-named darling who shot his entire wad deep in my tight little slit…God, I love how sexy and sweet you are! Had a BRAND NEW HYPNO CALLER with a panty fetish who learned how intensely my mesmerizing voice can command him to cum…I look forward to playing dress-up with you again soon! Then my favorite room in the house (*wink*) surprised me with SEVEN ORGASMS in rapid succession…WOW…That’s all I can say…*satisfied smile*…Had a KINKY WHOLE HOUR with a BRAND NEW CALLER, an embarrassed daddy who I seduced and blackmailed into doing the dog and all sorts of other dirty deeds! Do as I say, or I’ll tell Mommy! *giggle* And thanks for the FIFTEEN MINUTE TIP, too- that was so generous of you! Spent OVER AN HOUR with my adored Colorado genius…Babe, that was AMAZING- the sound of your orgasm makes me smile so wide, and our afterglow conversations are appreciated and cherished…Had a quickie TWO GIRL CALL with Katrina and a BRAND NEW CALLER who fucked all her holes and then squirted his sweet cream right up my vitals…Plus, my BRAND NEW CUM-GUZZLING SUBBIE has a special ice cube chilling in his freezer for our next call…*wink*…Damn, I can be so evil sometimes…LOL…

So now I’m back in the suite for an evening nap, then I think we’re headed out for Round Three…*smile*…Try to catch any one of us, and you just may get the call of your life! Can you handle it?

Love,
D

-Konstantin Stanislavsky