Of my first ten callers when I began doing phone sex over six years ago, I am still in contact with six of them. (I’m starting from my tenure at Bay City Blues, not counting the couple of months I was on Niteflirt, as I played an archetypal character for a third-party company there.) Of those six, I still have phone sex with three of them.

Back when I started blogging over on LiveJournal, it was mostly a tool for phone sex promotion. I did a lot of “shout-outs” to my callers, little mini-synopses of calls. But after a while it seemed so redundant. Tiny snippets of porno talk that couldn’t possibly compare to the genuine timbre and tone of our voices, quivering and catching as we whispered our naughty desires. So I stopped doing shout-outs and instead focused on writing about my life off the phone.

I don’t regret it one bit, but every so often I’m struck with the urge to write about calls, both long past and more recent. And I think it’s high time I indulged the craving, so I’m going to share some samples of sexy memories and fantasies that have been haunting me lately…I’ll probably parcel them out slowly, but here’s the first installment…

Yellow Sundress (For B)

We catch each other in the chat room often, sometimes on IM. I know he flirts with all the girls, but something about our chemistry on the telephone convinces me I’m his favorite. He is hard and mean and rough when we talk, calling me all the dirty names that make my cunt quiver. He likes rape fantasies and knows they’re one of my personal fetishes, so he aurally violates me in the most delicious ways.

One day online, I am describing a new purchase to him, this yellow sundress I found at a thrift store for cheap. It’s the kind of dress that makes a girl feel yummy and pretty and naughty and sexy and sweet all at the same time. He obviously picks up on my excitment, because I come home to a sizzling email from him. In it he describes his slight regret at wanting to accost me on my stoop in that dress and rip it from my body, tear it to shreds, and take me right there in the doorway. As you can imagine, I was never able to wear that dress again after that without thinking of him. There are just some people who leave that kind of impression.

Our phone sex relationship lasted for a couple of years, and then he informed me that he was getting married and didn’t think he could continue talking to me. I will interject here that as I’ve said before, I’m the worst phone sex operator in the world in that on some level, I hope my callers will cease to need me. I hope they all find special people in their lives that fulfill their desires and make them happy. But when he told me, I was understandably disappointed. The financial consequences were much less important to me than the fact that I was losing a friend I enjoyed and clicked with on a strangely intimate yet still casual level.

The thing that blows my mind is that I know he still reads my blog. He still checks up on me, comments occasionally, and sends me brief emails of support and encouragement every once in a while. I’ve long since lost the yellow sundress (six years, after all!), but there’s something both humbling and gratifying knowing that he, wherever he is, still remembers. I hope he knows how much I cherish the gift of having shared his life, for however brief a time.

2009

The year of change, of evolution.

I discovered and explored my masochistic tendencies.

As part of an ensemble, I co-wrote and performed Inviting Desire for the Fertile Ground new works festival. We got rave reviews and sold out a lot of shows.

I shot an episode of HBO’s Real Sex, advising potential phone sex operators about how to break into the business.

We revised and remounted Inviting Desire in Portland, in preparation for our Canadian tour. Inviting Desire played at the Winnipeg, Calgary, and Edmonton Fringe Festivals. Being on the road for 7 weeks around all those amazing artists and performers inspired me, so…

I finally began MVP, My Vietnam Project, a one-woman show based on my American mother’s experiences in Vietnam during the war.

I discovered and explored my sadistic tendencies.

Howard and I decided to shutter Bay City Blues phone sex. It was a good run, but it was time.

I spent a lot of time interviewing my mom, transcribing those sessions, and editing MVP.

I struck out on my own as an independent phone sex operator and found I didn’t miss the drama of running a company or managing others.

HBO Real Sex #33: Stocks Down, Sex Up! aired, garnering me tons of exposure and some lovely new clients. My orgasm is OnDemand through January. Heh.

Howard and I decided to separate and live where each of us is happiest. Me here in Portland, him in New Jersey. Yes, we can still be friends.

My resolution for 2009 was this: self forgiveness. I am often brutally critical of myself, to myself. I vowed to forgive myself for anything and everything. There were things I needed to grieve and things I hadn’t let myself celebrate. I wanted to give myself the gift of allowing imperfection. Knowing that I would fuck up, but not wanting fear of failure to keep me from taking risks and daring to live the life I want. Was rather prescient of me in hindsight. I’ve made a lot of decisions I could beat myself up about, but I’m keeping my resolution to the very end. Forgiveness is freedom.

Today I pick up the keys for my new apartment. It seems very fitting that as this new chapter in my life begins, so does a new year, full of promise and opportunity. I am grateful for every moment of 2009, even the difficult ones. I am humbled by how much I’ve learned, how much I still have to learn, and the patience and kindness of those who teach. I am blessed by the Universe to be able to support myself and pursue my passions with the encouragement of those who mean the most to me, the people I love. I am terrified of being alone, and exhilarated at the thrill of diving into my fear. I am honored to feel the attention, affection, and adoration of my wonderful callers, or as I like to think of them, my arts patrons. *grin*

I am ready for 2010.

From now on, phone sex calls with me will be billed as “Palm Island” on credit card statements, not as Bay City Blues. Neither Howard nor I have the time and energy to devote to running the company or managing a bunch of girls, so we are dissolving our business partnership. I will of course continue to provide phone sex, just as an independent operator. The phone number remains the same as always, 1-866-739-9832.

Such is life. Should I feel like a failure? Strangely enough, I don’t. This is the right decision to make. Even though it was a hard choice, I am feeling better now that it’s done. I want to spend my work time where it is most productive and appreciated- on the phone.

It reminds me of a Fringe show I saw this summer, On Second Thought, in which the phrase “how did I GET here?” was repeated many times. I know the feeling. How did I get here? And where the hell am I going? I kind of have no idea at the moment. And I’m trying to let that be ok. All I do know is that this is one step in the right direction.

Tonya

I also realized recently, thanks to my beloved stats program, that people who really don’t like me still read this blog looking for mud to sling. Not exactly sure why, but I fucking hate knowing that has affected what I write about. While I’m basically an open book, I also have a finely-developed preservation instinct. I simply don’t give the opposition much ammunition. So I’m torn between being completely transparent, which is my nature, and simply not speaking at all if I can’t speak the truth. But the thing is- those people will twist whatever I say anyway, judge my decisions, gloat over my failures…I know I cannot control that, and letting it have power over me is silly and weak.

I feel like I’ve made so many mistakes, it’s easy to overlook the triumphs and successes. Howard and I have been talking really straight the last week or so, major issues like long-term life goals, finances, what to do with Bay City Blues. I imagine the haters would be overjoyed to see it disappear, and at this point, I’m just tired of fighting the obvious. My choices, my philosophies, they don’t work in the phone sex business for anyone but me it seems. I can be an independent operator for those who find me and like my approach. But trying to make BCB operate on my level just doesn’t work. Girls don’t want to do what I do, and lots of guys want the whole flashing lights fuck me fuck me experience. I’ve always thought they deserved a place, I just didn’t want to be it. I still don’t think that’s a mistake- I know what I am comfortable selling and what I am not. I think that sometimes comes off as very judgemental, but it’s not meant to be. My way isn’t the only way, and indeed as I’ve discovered, perhaps it’s not a way that works very well for anyone else. Live and learn, you know?

And it’s time for a change. It’s time to simplifiy and streamline. It’s time for me to focus on my relationships, my writing, and my clients. I won’t stop doing phone sex, because I love it and I’m fantastic at it, but it isn’t my entire world. The more I work on MVP (my Vietnam project, since I don’t have a working title yet), the more I realize I have so much to learn about myself and everything else too. My lifetime to-do list keeps growing, and I figure it’s about time I start crossing things off. More things, I should say- it’s not like I haven’t had an amazing life thus far, and I am grateful for every second. But I know it will be changing dramatically over the next year, and I’m preparing myself for the best and the worst. There will be some of both, I’m sure. Lol!

Ah yes. The words flow when I’m not censoring myself. *grins* Good to know.

Tonya

“Some people are in your life for twenty or thirty years, maybe, or even longer, like my parents. And yet other people may just be a flash in your life, maybe an afternoon, or a really short period of time. But they play such an incredible role, because being with them- even if it was just a few minutes, sometimes- being with them somehow touches something deeper. A connection, maybe, that runs…maybe it’s like a thread that runs throughout your lifetimes. But that person really doesn’t have to be there all the time to play that kind of a role, a role that causes you to take a turn in your life to a different road. And if you’d gone on the opposite side of the fork, your life would have been very different…”

Tonya

But I need some escapism, because one of our ensemble members has dropped out of the Inviting Desire remount. She has very valid reasons, but the prospect of finding someone to replace her is rather daunting. It would be one thing if it were just the shows in Portland, but whoever we cast has to be able to get along with the rest of us in a van for 7 weeks in Canada. *sigh* I do believe everything happens for a reason, so I know we’ll find the perfect person. I’m just trying to relax and trust that we’ll pull it all together like we did the last time. *deep breath* By the way, info on the June shows will be up on my Events & Appearances page soon. We expect to sell out, based on previous demand, so please reserve tickets online if you plan on coming. We turned so many people away from the last shows, and I’d hate for that to happen to anyone I care about.

I’m also trying to get back into the swing of things, being more involved again in Bay City Blues. I’m pleased with how the recent changes have been received and more determined than ever to carve out our unique niche in the phone sex world. We’ve been getting tons of applications, but we have to be even more selective now, since only a special kind of operator understands what we’re trying to do. But even if it takes longer, we’re determined to hire only the sexiest, most creative and open-minded women we run across. My recent S/m explorations and the people I’ve met in the kink community have convinced me that there are plenty of sex-positive women out there who could genuinely enjoy and benefit from phone sex work. I intend to find them. *grin*

I also have a big surprise in the works, something that combines my acting experience and phone sex work. I haven’t mentioned it before now, because after a decade of my rock’n'roll friends’ sure-thing big-break stories that never panned out, I didn’t want to jinx it. But if everything goes according to plan, you will soon see me on an episode of a show on a major premium cable network. How ’bout them apples? It hardly seems real, which is probably another reason I haven’t wanted to talk about it. But I think it’s actually going to happen, and I will be sure to post details as I get them.

Oh hey look, I managed to write some. Lol. Guess I’m not so undisciplined after all. I think that means I should reward myself with a shirtless Hugh Jackman. Heh.

Tonya

1. BB is run by an adult, who upon hearing about the incidents, simply picked up the phone and called to speak with us about it directly. What a novel idea! Lol. Got a problem with me or not sure if you do? TALK to me, and let’s figure it out.

2. Most chat rooms have IP logs/blocks. It can be verified easily that I’m not the person behaving in such a childish manner. Hell, I’ll give BB my IP# so they can ban me from their chat room, what do I care? Then they can be sure anyone claiming to be me is a fake. (True on a lot of levels. Heh.)

3. I don’t have time for chat very often anymore. When I started, I was in the BCB chat room sometimes 8 hours a day or more. But the business has evolved, along with technology and the economy. I haven’t spent more than an hour or so in our chat room in the last six months, why would I bother going into someone else’s chat room just to spam them? Illogical and unlikely.

4. Don’t people have work to do? Any time that someone spends on trying to negatively impact my life and business is time not spent on improving theirs. Putting so much energy and effort into undermining me is flattering, as it illustrates how threatened some folks are by my honesty and openness. But I don’t see how it benefits them- it just seems like a unproductive and inefficient use of their time. I’ve always been of the mind that success is the sweetest revenge, but to each his or her own. ~shrug~

5. Nobody who knows me and who I care about would believe for a second that I would do something like that. When you live with honesty and integrity, your character speaks for itself.

I don’t expect everyone to agree with my choices and opinions. So I am prepared to receive a certain amount of bullshit- we’ve gotten extra spammed up in the last week, for example. But what the haters don’t understand is that they cannot hurt me. Nothing they say or do matters in the grand scheme of my life because their opinions hold no credence. I choose to not give them that kind of power over me. I will deal with the obstacles they throw in my way with as much grace and acceptance as I can muster. I will actively hold compassion and forgiveness in my heart for them, as they could obviously use it. But I will never, never let them intimidate or harass me into silence. This girl only shuts up when an Evil Sadist with a vicious whip tells me to. Heh.

Tonya

It’s amazing how a seemingly negative change can be the catalyst that motivates us to do what we should have done a long time ago…I’ve been so disinterested in the direction Bay City Blues was headed, that I couldn’t make myself CARE. That’s when I know something is really wrong. But having to deal with the technical problems and personnel departure has strangely invigorated me. Time to burn it down and build it from the ground up, as my Big Bro said.

Is it weird? Yes. Finally. Heh. But it’s right. It’s right for who Howard and I are now, and the kind of business we want to run. It’s right because the contrast between real, genuine girls and fake porno archetypes is so glaringly obvious. It’s right because Howard and I both feel better now, even with the immense amount of work we’ve just dumped on our own plates.

What’s going to be different? No more fucking rules. I’m not a cop. I only want to work with responsible adults who treat this like a real job. People capable of understanding that you get what you put in. People who, if they want calls, will write blogs, IM, email, and hang in chat. I’m not going to put a minimum on it and then have to police everyone. People who work when and how much they want to and don’t need someone constantly looking over their shoulder. People who ENJOY SEX and feel lucky to make a living talking dirty on the phone.

Some of those ladies may choose to use their real names and/or photos. Some of them may, for personal reasons, choose to use an alias- a screen name, if you will- and/or photographs of an adult model to represent themselves. If that offends you, well then hey, Bay City Blues phone sex may not suit your needs. I’m just sick to death of lying and insulting my own and other people’s intelligence. There’s plenty of cheap/free porn out there with “perfect” plastic women if that’s what gets you off.

And no more multiple characters either. You’re not going to call five different “characters” and get the same operator. Appreciate that we try to find open-minded, talented girls who can handle a wide variety of topics. Do I look like an 18-year-old blonde cheerleader? No, but I’ve played plenty of them. Remember Eve, Trixie, and Chloe? Yep, all me. What can I say? I get really turned on by ageplay, incest fantasy, and submission, so I’m pretty fucking good at it. I like roleplaying a cute, submissive young thing on the phone, although trying to keep up the charade 24/7 gets exhausting.

A little fantasy and willing suspension of disbelief are necessary in phone sex, but really, if the voice and imagination don’t do anything for you, are the pictures going to make that much of a difference? If someone’s answer to that question is yes, we’re willing to decline their patronage. It’s that simple.

If, on the other hand, your fetish or fantasy requires a higher caliber of creativity, special attention to detail, and a real human being on the other end of the phone who listens and gives you their full focus…Then I believe Bay City Blues is again going to be the home of the best phone sex vixens anywhere. Just be patient while we work out the kinks, pretty please? (Or is that work IN the kinks? Heh.)

Change is a bitch. But bitches are more fun than brides… *wink*

Tonya