I had a clear list of hard and soft limits when I started experimenting with kink. Or at least, I thought I did. What I realized over the past ten years, is that many of those limits were entirely dependent on context. Some hard limits dissolved in specific situations or with certain partners. Soft limits could turn to steel during the negotiation process, and sometimes I couldn’t figure out why I was suddenly feeling so uneasy.
“Person X did/said _________, is that ok/normal?”
I hear this question from newbies a lot, and I understand what they mean by it. Is this accepted behavior in this community, and is it something I should just get used to? I know they’re simply trying to get their bearings and determine if/where they fit in. But what matters is not whether it’s ok in the kink scene, what matters is whether it’s ok for them.
You get to set your own boundaries. Period. Now, your limits may cause fewer people to want to play with you, just like having niche kink preferences may result in fewer compatible partners. Setting your standards means some people may not meet them, but learning how to take care of yourself and ask for what you want/need is a huge part of navigating the kink ocean.
Spend time on introspection and figuring out where your comfort levels are, and learn to communicate them as clearly as you can to any potential playmates. Recognize that this is just a jumping off point. Be prepared for limits and boundaries to change as you experiment, but be wary of people who treat your limits as an invitation.
I once told someone I was playing with for the first time not to kiss me on the mouth during our play. He then spent much of the scene moving his face in close to mine, often quickly and unexpectedly, as if he were going to kiss me but never actually did. He might have thought he was mind~fucking me or demonstrating his domliness by taking me right up to the edge. Instead he was ensuring he’d never lay a hand on me again. I expressed a limit/preference, and he spent the duration of our very first play encounter testing it. I wasn’t able to relax, because it felt like he might kiss me at any time and I’d have to stop the scene.
Skirting the edges of my boundary without actually crossing that line isn’t technically a consent violation. But with a brand new partner, what was he trying to accomplish? It made me seriously question his judgment, and subsequently, his safety both physically and emotionally as a play partner.
When someone (especially anyone new to me) communicates a limit, I do everything in my power to show them I’ve heard it, respect it, and will honor it. Even if it means adjusting my normal style of play, I will avoid doing anything that might be construed as testing that boundary. Sometimes that means we end up not being compatible partners, but I’d rather not play at all than constantly be questioning what lines (mine or theirs) my partner will and won’t cross.
Eliciting a safe word shouldn’t be the objective. Anybody can whack away at something until they destroy it. You know what takes skill? Not breaking me. Building a rapport and connection that allows both of us the freedom to explore and expand our horizons. When that happens, I may trust and respect you enough to consider playing on the edge with you. Until then, my limits are not your To Do list.
Dear Tonya Jone Miller,
May I repost your treatise on “My limits are not … … ” giving credit to you?
John xxxx
Yes, just please credit and link to the post here on my blog. Thanks!