February 2014 will mark my ten-year anniversary of being a professional phone sex operator at Bay City Blues. I worked at other services for a couple months before that, but as soon as I found BCB, I knew I was home. One of the things I liked best about the way the company operated was having the ability to interact with my callers off the phone, via chat room, instant messengers, and email.
Social media/networking sites with an emphasis on sex, dating, kink, swinging, etc. have proliferated over the past few years, but my history with online hook-ups predates most sites like OkCupid, Tinder, PlentyOfFish, AFF, and FetLife. Now granted, it was usually guys contacting me to arrange a phone sex call, but more men than I could count approached me trying to circumvent the service to ask me out in real life.
Fast forward to the present. I’m on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Fetlife. I have OkCupid and Tinder accounts which I deactivate on a regular basis when the barrage gets too overwhelming. Not a single day goes by that I’m not approached via one of these sites by at least one or two men I don’t know; on OKC or Tinder it can be double digits daily, and Fetlife has gotten much worse in the past year.
I’m pretty clear about who I am and what I’m looking for in my various online dating and social networking profiles. Some are extremely detailed, some are lighter on info and heavier on attitude, but they are all an accurate representation of my personality, appearance, and sense of humor. It is truly astounding the varying kinds of introductory messages I receive on different sites with different profiles. I’ve seen all kinds of angles taken in approach, and I thought I’d take a moment to address some of the mistakes men regularly make.
I want to mention that I wrestled with whether or not I should write this. I mean, most of these things are immediate delete-button offenses for me, and it’s good to have some way to winnow down the pool. I may be doing women everywhere a disservice in tipping a bunch of douchebags off on how we identify them. But I’m going to be optimistic and believe that there are some genuine catches out there who just don’t realize the mistakes they’re making. I hope that education may lead to some guys rethinking what they want and how they ask for it. Without further ado…
Three Rules for Making Successful First Contact
1. Read my profile.
No, seriously. Read it. The whole thing. This is the last paragraph of my FL profile:
One last thing…I find I get along better with people who not only can read but who actually do read, so the last sentence of the first paragraph? Important.
This is the last sentence of the first paragraph of my FL profile:
If you would like to add me as a friend, please send me an introductory note first.
Care to guess how many random guys send me friend requests without bothering to write me an introductory message? The overwhelming majority, I’d say at least 90%.
Here’s what this says to me: I like your pictures (or fetish list or slut % or whatever), but I don’t care about your words. You may have taken a long time writing out a detailed profile, but who cares what you might want or be looking for? I’m interested in what you’ll do to me or for me. You’re not worth investing the time and energy to show I respect you as a human being by honoring your request and writing a short message.
If you aren’t willing to make a little bit of extra effort when you’re trying to make a good first impression, what won’t you be willing to do once we’re dating or you’ve already gotten me in bed, on the St. Andrew’s cross, etc.? Also, I don’t write a profile just to masturbate my ego online. This is information about me that you need to have if you are interested in knowing me, and it will save us both a lot of time and heartbreak (or bad sex) if we aren’t compatible.
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2. Don’t expect me to entertain you.
Maybe you think questions/statements like “tell me one of your fantasies” or “I’d love to hear about your kinky lifestyle” or “what turns you on?” are flattering, like I should be honored you want to get to know me. But it sounds like “dance, monkey, dance!” to me. See, you’re skipping a crucial step here: determining interest on my part. Yes, I’m on a dating (or kink or hook-up or whatever) site, but that doesn’t mean you’re automatically entitled to a shot at me. You don’t know me. Would you walk up to a stranger on the street and ask them if they take it up the ass?
I acknowledge that a big part of this is because I am a professional erotic storyteller. However, I don’t make a secret of my job. Asking questions of me that require me to speak/behave as I would when working puts one in the same category as my phone sex clients, whom I love, and who pay $3/minute to be entertained at their whim. If you don’t wish to procure my professional services, try this instead. Write a message that includes at least three of the following:
a polite introduction and compliment
details in my profile that stood out to you
things we have in common
what you might find intriguing about me (statement, not question)
what makes you special/unique/interesting
invitation to chat more or meet for coffee, drinks, dinner, etc.
Bonus points if you can make me laugh, but I’m really most concerned with cutting through the bullshit and determining if I think we have enough in common to risk an hour of real time.
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3. No dicktures.
Please. Refer back to the part of #2 where I mentioned determining interest on my part. I know you guys are proud of your penises, but sending an unsolicited cock shot to someone you don’t know is like flashing a stranger in a parking lot. It’s creepy, verging on rapey. Do you really want to be that guy in the dirty raincoat? ASK first. I realize some women want proof of size- hell, one of my BFF’s insists upon it- but that doesn’t apply to me. Size is no guarantee of ability. A picture tells me nothing of how skilled you are in bed, and since I’m not going to frame your cock and hang it over my desk, I don’t need to know how photogenic or aesthetically pleasing it is.
If you have a dick pic in your profile, I probably won’t answer you, especially if your “about me” section is blank. If you have multiple dick pics and no face pics, I definitely won’t answer you. I love fucking, but if your cock is all you have to offer me, we are not going to have the kind of sex that gets me off the hardest. Frankly, I’ve been blessed with some stunningly talented, enthusiastic lovers over the years, and my standards are high. Casual sex doesn’t satisfy for very long. I need someone who knows my body, my kinks, my weaknesses, and makes the effort to exploit that knowledge. That takes more than a penis; it takes a brain and the willingness to use it. It takes openness, connection, and vulnerability.
Send me a picture of that.
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Of course, your mileage may vary. Obviously it depends on particular sites and what you may be looking for specifically. But if you’re trying to get me, or someone like me, to respond to you, these three rules will keep you from making some deal-breaker missteps.