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- A Story of O’s
Because yes, it really has been almost a year. Fuuuuuck. I just posted my schedule for the Winnipeg Fringe Festival on the A Story of O’s page, and I hope to book a venue for a run of the show in Portland before the end of the year as well. I may start writing here more. I may not. Lots of change in my life over the past couple years, and I do miss this as an outlet. We shall see. In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Fetlife as @TonyaJoneMiller. I tend to update social media with much more regularity than this blog.
I had my follow-up today, and it seems my ankle is healing slightly ahead of schedule. The splint is gone, replaced with an air cast I can wear with shoes, and I’m off my crutches. Apparently, my “mutant healing powers” (as my yummy girl P referred to them) extend beyond whip welts on my back and cane stripes on my ass. Heh.
Seriously though, I’ve been humbled by the outpouring of support my friends have shown me over the past three weeks. I’m not good at being helpless, and living in an attic apartment while being on crutches has made even simple things like taking out the garbage and getting my mail a challenge. I’ve had tons of food/meal deliveries, offers of rides anywhere I needed to go, and tons of errands run for me. As frustrating as it has been, it makes me realize how blessed I am to have such amazing friends.
In other news, I found out I’m going to be a part of Incubator at the Someday Lounge in September. It’s a monthly evening devoted to letting artists workshop new projects in front of a live audience. I’ll be performing an exerpt from Threads and I’m so excited! And nervous, but that will pass. I can’t believe I get the chance to share some of these stories- they’ve been my creative calling for almost the past year…
I’m also going to teach my Roleplay & Acting in the Dungeon class again, this time for the Portland Leather Alliance. I felt like I learned a lot when I did it for Whipper-Snappers and will be able to present an even more entertaining and educational workshop. There are already 20+ folks RSVPed on FetLife, so my biggest adjustments will be to accommodate for a larger class size. I’m hoping I can fine-tune the class enough to submit it for consideration at kink events around the country.
Oh and I’m working on a new phone sex fantasy caller remembrance, so check back soon for that…
I’ve decided that Calgary is like if Seattle were in Texas. Strange town, a mix of artsy hipsters and cowboys. We got in last Tuesday and started up the promo carnival all over again. Postering, flyering, talking to random folks on the street…Anything to put butts in the seats. It worked too, because our first show was almost sold out- very enthusiastic audience, much moreso than we were expecting given what people had told us about how conservative Calgary is. We even got a preview on the front page of the Calgary Herald AND the front page of the arts section. So we were feeling pretty optimistic about our run here…And then the sky fell, literally…
Read the whole sordid saga as told by Adrienna on the Dance Naked Tour Blog. Yes, it really was that crazy. Amazing how fluorescent lights can change the course of a show so drastically- both our experience of it, and the audience’s reactions. Adrienna did a marvelous job of describing it, so I won’t retell the story here. But it certainly jolted us out of any sense of comfort and complacency we might have attained thus far. Suffice it to say…Scariest. Show. Ever. But hey, that’s the nature of touring, and Inviting Desire in particular. We’ll be in our regular venue again tonight, so I’m looking forward to diving back into the show and seeing how much fun we can have with it now that we’ve run the gauntlet, walked on fire, stared down the devil…
We’re halfway through the tour, and I am missing home and my honey and my friends pretty drastically. And no phone sex for weeks now! It’s so weird not having that outlet for my rampant sexuality. *grins* With one notable exception in Winnipeg (thanks, K!), the masochist in me is enduring an excruciating round of neglect. *sigh* I can’t complain though, because I’ve met a number of amazingly fun, talented, and engaging new creative/theatre-type friends. I think I’m addicted to this fringe festival circuit thing now- I’m already planning my show for next year! Heh. But it is cool to meet so many other DIY performers, truly inspiring. You might notice some new links in the “Friends & Folks” section of my blogroll- please check out my new friends and their creative endeavors!
Ok I better get my ass in gear. I will try to post more often, but I’m making no promises- trying to balance keeping in touch with a desire to immerse myself in this experience. *smooch* I am posting photos on my FaceBook profile though, so check them out when you have a chance…
Hugs & kisses,
Finally have Inviting Desire venue assignments and performance dates for all three Canadian fringe festivals. Just posted them on my Events & Appearances page. It looks like tickets are already on sale for Winnipeg and Calgary, but not Edmonton yet.
Holy crap. This is going to be crazy! I’m starting to get really excited. This is shaping up to be one hell of a summer…
I need to go figure out my cell phone situation. I’m taking my laptop and will hopefully be able to poach wireless signals wherever we go, but I still don’t know if I’ll be able to take phone sex calls. Privacy will certainly be at a premium, and even if I can manage some alone time, I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to afford to use a bunch of expensive mobile minutes. Depends on what kind of deals Verizon has I suppose. I might try installing Skype too. Anyway, I’ll keep you posted as I get more details. Regardless, it’s definitely going to be harder to reach me during July and August. Email will probably be the most reliable way, or posting blog comments here. I may be able to make appointments a day or two in advance but need to play it by ear for the most part.
Whew. I better start working on my To-Do list or I’ll never be ready to leave by the 10th…
We found our fourth! Her name is Adrienna, and she so fits into our ensemble dynamic that it feels like she has always been with us. Plus she’s a writer and an amazingly empathic actress. She brings a nice physical contrast and brand new energy. Yay!
We’ve been working on the new Inviting Desire script for a week or so now. Obviously, since we are performing it with four instead of seven, it is going to be a completely different show. We are doing many of the pieces from the initial run, but we’ve changed up the order and incorporated some of Adrienna’s writing as well. There are a couple of brand new pieces, and the entire framework of the show has changed. Such a struggle to say what we want to say in an entertaining way without being pedantic and preachy. Oh yeah, and we have a blog for the show now (my deadpan response: “oh goody, now I have another blog to update”), so you can track our creative process, shows, and the upcoming tour.
But anyway…Now that the new version of the script is nearly complete, we start intensive rehearsals. I have 9 hour rehearsals today and tomorrow, and 4 hour rehearsals Sunday and Monday (which just happens to be my birthday). Sunday night, some friends are having their annual Memorial Day Weekend party and have kindly allowed me to co-op it as my birthday party. This was the first year in a while I felt like throwing myself a big shindig, but yay I don’t have to do all that work. Heh. Monday I’m having lunch with my Mom, then Howard and I will probably try to squeeze in a nice birthday dinner somewhere before I have to get to rehearsal.
Did I mention in the middle of all this I managed to contract a killer cold? (No, it’s not the swine flu, but everyone seems to think it’s funny to ask.) I don’t get sick very often, and when I do, it’s usually my body saying “hey! You need to take better care of me.” So I’m going to be kind of scarce for the next few weeks, at least at night. I cannot stay logged in overnight every night, because I really need good rest to stay sane and healthy during the rehearsal process. Look for me in the morning and during the day, if you’re hankering for some delightfully deviant phone sex, or contact me to make a date. I really appreciate you being patient and making the extra effort to get ahold of me when I’m busy like this.
And I’m talking flights, money, and logistics for the shoot now, so here goes…I’m going to be on HBO’s Real Sex! They found me through this blog and approached me about doing an episode. It still doesn’t seem real to me, but it’s actually going to happen! I don’t want to give too much away, but you can be sure my phone sex expertise will be put to good use. ~grins~
Yeah, I’ve got a wee bit much on my plate these days. Lol. But I am so very grateful…
These pictures are from a shoot I did for a friend’s band, Depravitae. Creepy, don’t you think? They’ve whetted my appetite for vampires and blood fetishes…I’m appearing as the sexy stage wench for their show this Friday (details below). It will be pretty sick and twisted, from what I can gather. I’m going to live out all my teenage Slymenstra-Hymen-from-Gwar fantasies! Heh.
Friday, March 13th, 2009
Doors open @ 8:00 PM
MASONIC GRANGE HALL
3670 SW 185th, Aloha, Oregon 97006
Cost: $7 advance/$10 at the door
Primal Urge Freakshows presents DEPRAVITAE CD Release Show with special guests Church of Hate, Wayne Gacy Trio, and Porceline Dolls. Come celebrate DEPRAVITAE’s comeback to the stage with suspension artists, brandings and live cutting!!!
Due to overwhelming demand, we are extending the run of Inviting Desire and adding two more shows, Friday 2/6/09 and Saturday 2/7/09 at 8pm. For more information, check out my events and appearances page. Tickets are available for purchase online at PdxTix.net. Please come see this show- it’s hot and provocative and worth every penny.
I’ve never been in a show that I put this much of myself into, and I won’t lie…It’s really satisfying and validating to see the audience’s faces each night, to see the wonder and gratitude. Being on the receiving end of a standing ovation is a pretty special feeling, much less four in a row. But I do feel like we earned it, no- screw the past tense- we EARN it every night. We are affecting people, opening their minds, turning them on! I couldn’t hope for better reactions than the ones we are getting.
On opening night, a very “normal” looking woman came up to me with a look of discovery on her face. She said one of my pieces made her understand the attraction to pain and bdsm for the first time. Truth is, she didn’t have to say it- I could SEE it in her eyes. I cried. Because what did I write a few posts back? If my work in this play could speak to just one person and alter their perceptions/judgments, then I would feel like I had accomplished my goal. *smile* Words have power. I love that.
It’s possible we will extend the run for another weekend of shows, and we are definitely touring Inviting Desire to some fringe festivals in Canada this summer. I’d love to be able to take it to NYC, L.A., and Chicago as well, but we shall see…Right now I’m just enjoying the fruits of my labor…
Have I mentioned how hot my phone sex calls have been lately? I imagine it’s just that this show has decimated any last vestiges of propriety in my dirty little mind. Hehehe. Whatever the reason, I’m not complaining. *grin*
The enormity of what I’m about to do hit me with hurricane force this past weekend. I am scared shitless. My single greatest fear in the world is being naked in front of other people with the lights on. I’ve spent so many years hating my body, starving, bingeing, dieting, picking myself to pieces, despising my own skin. The true acceptance of myself is a gift I am only now in life beginning to appreciate and unwrap.
But the thought of standing on a stage and asking the audience to look at me in just panties is terrifying. I am physically imperfect in many ways. Stretch marks, scars, cellulite…But there it is. This is who I am. I earned those marks, like I earn the bruises and welts I take when I’m bottoming. And I should be just as proud of them. In my calmer moments, I realize what I’m doing is actually distilling a universally human experience into a few moments. In the end, in our own ways, don’t we all just want to be seen for who and what we really are and loved not just in spite of our flaws but because of them?
Seen, known, loved, desired, taken. Those words kept coming up for us during the creation of Inviting Desire. They were recurring themes in most of the fantasies of the women we interviewed and surveyed. And I understand why, because it’s what I want too. I’m lucky that I’ve already found it and that there is still room in my life for more.
So I’m not making a secret of my fear. The only way I know to get it out of my body is to express it. I am openly acknowledging it and even just writing this feels liberating. Someone pointed out to me that if I’m this scared, it’s worth examining whether I really want to do this. A good point, but I already spent weeks agonizing over it. He doesn’t quite know me well enough yet to know that when I put my mind to something, I do it. It may take me a while to make a decision, and I may go back and forth a lot, but when I decide to accomplish something, there is no stopping me.
My mother likes to tell the story of my application to be an exchange student when I was 15. It was a months-long process, and early on we went to an invitation-only orientation meeting. I had passed the first round and found myself sitting in a room with a dozen fellow over-achievers and their parental units. The Rotary Club in my district that sponsored exhanges sent one student a year. I could see my mom figuring the math in her head.
As we walked out of the meeting, she was trying to prepare me for possible disappointment by talking about how extraordinary it was to even be included in that group of students and she hoped having a single parent wasn’t going to hurt my chances and blah blah blah. This is the part of the story she loves. I looked at her for a minute while she kept talking, and then I said, “Mom, STOP. I’m going to get it.” She didn’t say another word, and I really enjoyed my year in Chile. *grin*
It’s funny, but I felt the same way about Inviting Desire. Before I even auditioned, somehow I KNEW I was going to get it. (I mean, really…Who better than pervy slutty me? Heh.) I spent weeks rehearsing my signature piece in the show, but it didn’t break open for me until I realized the only way to truly convey what I wanted was by revealing real marks on my body. If I want people to understand, they need to see me relate to the pain and its aftermath in a joyful, sensual way. Once that realization hit me, the decision was simple, fear or no fear. I believe the world would benefit from seeing that sex-positive and kinky people are not so different from anyone else. When it boils down, we all just want to be seen, known, loved, desired, taken.
So I need to do this piece in this way. Because I can. Because it will affect people and open their minds. Because nobody else is or can or will. Because I have the luxury of a life lived openly, without fear of reprisals from family, friends, or work. Because if just one person feels more connected, less marginalized, not alone as a result of this show, I will have accomplished my goal. Because in spite of my terror, when I step out on that stage, I will have 100% faith in my words and actions. When I operate out of a place of complete conviction, there is no success and no failure. There is simply me knowing I put everything I am into everything I do. For me, that is living life right.
I can feel the fear starting to slip away as I write these words. I don’t think the world is ready for this, but they’re going to love it!
Well hell. So much for posting more often. Lol. My life is wrapped up in Inviting Desire right now. We’re rehearsing pretty much every day until we open on the 22nd, so I have major tunnel vision. This is going to be a fucking amazing show. I am so proud of us! We made something out of nothing, and it is truly a work of art. I have no idea how our audiences will react, but I’m guessing they will be shaken up, shocked, inspired, and aroused. Which is, of course, the whole point.
I couldn’t be happier with my three individual pieces. One of them I wrote almost four years ago for my Chicago Writer. Another was inspired by the person who introduced me to real time bdsm play. And the last one is, in a roundabout way, an homage of sorts to Howard. I don’t know that anyone else including him would make the connection. But I do. So each piece has special meaning to me. It is exciting and scary to present them to the world. And liberating. In this show, I expose myself literally and figuratively. I can’t wait!
Again, I am humbled by the Universe. There are no accidents. The fact that I am in this show at this time is a wonderful display of synchronicity and serendipity. Inviting Desire. This is what I am consciously making an effort to do in my life- be open to the transcendental nature of my own sexuality. I am constantly learning, growing, evolving…Asking questions and seeking answers…Eternally grateful for the beauty and blessing of this life…
Usually my acting is a departure from my phone sex work, but this show seems so symbiotic and intertwined with it…Have I mentioned that I’m pretty much horny 24/7? Apparently it’s a side effect of living completely in the world of sexual fantasy for the past few weeks…Who would ever believe I could be MORE turned on than normal? LMFAO!
I am a lucky girl. Time for bed. ~smooch~