Recently I played with someone for the first time. I’ve known this person since they came into the scene 5-6 years ago, and while we’ve never been close friends, there has always been a comfortable rapport between us. I’ve been to private parties at their house and we both attend some of the same larger kink events, but our preferred bdsm passions are different- rope for them versus heavy impact play for me. We aren’t usually at the same smaller parties or classes.
We are Facebook and Fetlife friends, so I know the basics of what’s going on in their life, but we’ve never hung out and done vanilla things together. We both own and operate our own small businesses and have very busy lives. Still, I’ve always thought that if circumstances were different and we spent more time together, we would probably become good friends. I have the utmost respect and admiration for their integrity, knowledge, and dedication to learning their craft. When they asked me to tie with them out of the blue, my answer was an easy and enthusiastic yes.
We played, and it was absolutely lovely. I suspect we will do it again sometime, though we haven’t discussed it. But even if we never do, that doesn’t mean anything went wrong. We connected and enjoyed each other’s company. That’s enough. If a deeper friendship or play partnership develops organically, wonderful! If not, I’m still grateful for the experience. And this brings me to something I’ve been meaning to write about for a while now:
It’s okay if we aren’t friends.
I’ve met hundreds (thousands?) of kinksters during my time in the bdsm community. I’m often one of the first people newbies encounter at a munch, because when I see one or two people I don’t recognize standing off to the side, I like to introduce myself. If they seem receptive, I try to include them in conversations, introduce them to others, and just generally help make them feel comfortable and welcome.
Sometimes I “click” with the new people I meet, and sometimes I don’t. I might never see them again, or I might run into them occasionally as they navigate through the scene. I probably won’t ever play with them, and we most likely won’t become extremely close friends or lovers either. That doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t like them or even want to get to know them better; I just have a very full life and limited available time and energy.
I’ve also figured out over the years that sharing the wide category of “kink” with someone as a common interest is not (for me) enough of a foundation on which to build sustainable friendships or relationships. And that’s ok. I don’t need to become best friends or play partners with every single kinky person I meet. In service to my community, I try to help ease the way for new folks entering the scene, but I don’t have an agenda with them. Nobody owes me anything, and vice versa.
There is room in my life for casual, kinky acquaintances whose company I enjoy, but who I don’t spend a lot of time with outside of social/public events. There is room in the kink community for people I don’t play with or know that well or even particularly get along with, as long as I don’t have reason to believe that they are a predator or abuser. Because everything else is a matter of personality, preferences, and personal ethics.
Do I like someone’s energy? Do our bdsm interests intersect or overlap? Do we have complimentary (not necessarily identical) levels of social awareness, discretion needs, emotional intelligence, relationship practices, and communication styles? Do our schedules align? Because we are grown ass human beings with lives and responsibilities, and sometimes it’s just not a good fit. It doesn’t have to be anybody’s fault or shortcoming; it could just be bad timing or lack of compatibility.
The bottom line is that unless you are espousing some fucked up racism, white supremacy, misogyny, LGTBQIA-phobia, or predatorial tendencies, I will make an effort to be civil and courteous when our paths cross. And who knows? People and circumstances change. Someday the Universe may see fit to bring us together in a different way, but unless and until then…It’s okay if we aren’t friends.