Let The Debauchery Begin
By Tonya Jone Miller | March 19, 2010
Today I realized it’s been way too long since I’ve written anything of substance here. Which is not to say I haven’t been productive. I’ve actually been busting my ass over the last couple of weeks, so that I can relax and enjoy KinkFest.
I’ve been constantly revising Threads and am awaiting some editorial feedback from a couple of trusted mentors/advisors. I am spending about half my time on it reading aloud, moving around on my feet, and getting an idea of how it feels to perform the text. Then I glue myself to the computer and revise, revise, revise. I’d like to find a director soon and start some serious rehearsals, but I’ve been putting off really pursuing that until after this weekend.
I was undecided about attending KinkFest up until last week. Feeling the financial pressure of tax season, I knew I could afford the registration fee, but I wasn’t sure I should take the time off, either from Threads or from phone sex. But last week after paying all my monthly bills, I decided I could swing it. I’m not staying at the hotel this year, which is slightly inconvenient, but I’ve arranged to have a car for the weekend. (Speaking of which, I am amazed at how much I am enjoying NOT driving, but that’s for another blog entry.)
There are supposedly going to be over 700 festival attendees, and the dungeon is going to be even bigger than last year, so I’m really looking forward to the nightly parties. That many people and some new faces (people come from all over the country) will make for a delightfully wicked spectacle! When I’m finished with this blog, I’m going to plan my outfits. It’s Evil Betty Crocker versus little miss sadist bait, and I can’t figure out which one I’m feeling more like right now.
There are some very intriguing workshops as well, though I’m waiting to get the final schedule in my registration packet to decide which ones I’ll attend. I can usually only manage to sit through two classes a day, so I have to choose carefully.
I’m also a bit apprehensive because KF was a mixed bag for me last year, and now I’m dealing with a new development in an important relationship. I’ll probably be seeing this person a lot the next couple of days, and I’m trying to prepare myself. I want to be kind, friendly, and compassionate, but I don’t want to put on an act if I’m feeling otherwise. I have a lot of anger, upset, and shame over how things played out between us, but it is mostly self-directed.
I’ve slowly been exorcising my demons and changing the situations in my life that do not work. It’s really hard, and I don’t always handle it as skillfully as I’d like to. I have to be willing to admit my responsibility for getting/remaining in places (figuratively and literally) that aren’t healthy for me. But each step I take in the right direction makes me stronger and smarter.
Anyway, I’ll obviously be a bit scarce this weekend, but I will be around for phone sex when I’m not at KinkFest. I imagine I’ll have all sorts of new creative inspiration from all the sensory overload I’m about to experience…Lucky you… *winks*
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In Circles
By Tonya Jone Miller | March 12, 2010
Topics: My Life | No Comments »
Search Me
By Tonya Jone Miller | March 4, 2010
I love to check my stats program to see what search engine terms bring people to this blog. So far, my favorite has been “Greg Dulli bdsm” and a recent commentor agrees he must be a kinky fucker. But I have to say I’ve gotten some good ones lately…
testicles licking + women prefers
phonesex with someone at 5p
the masonic actress pics
tolstoy enema
wig sex
female masturbate syntribate
foodie sex
tanya portland russian sent email
Tolstoy enema!?! I don’t even know where to begin…I mean, exactly what would that entail? Uhhh, scratch that. I don’t think I want to know. Heh.
I’ve started reading Threads out loud, moving around a bit on my feet to get the words in my body. I’m going to need a director soon- there is more editing to be done, but I think the majority of it will come after I start rehearsing.
This is such a learning process. I sort of know what I’m doing, thanks to Inviting Desire, but this is quite a different show, and I’m doing it all by myself. I try to avoid the mindset of “having to do it right.” After all, this is a unique work, and there is no blueprint, no right or wrong way to do it.
It’s scary. But also invigorating and exciting. I’m actually kind of in awe of it right now. I can look at an actual script that I created. It exists. It’s real. It is no longer just a concept in my mind. It’s a pretty cool feeling.
Topics: My Life | 4 Comments »
Gastroporn
By Tonya Jone Miller | March 3, 2010
This blog makes me horny. If this is what guys feel like when they look at naked boobies, no wonder Hefner and Flynt are loaded…
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Crafty
By Tonya Jone Miller | February 28, 2010
Ok, if you don’t think these shoes are uber geeksexy, there’s something wrong with you. *grins* I was going to toss these heels because they were scuffed up, but I’ve been thinking about making/customizing shoes for some time now. So I kept them around, and the other day as I was putting a book away my eyes were drawn to my old Archie comics collection. I never read them anymore and have almost tossed them out a few times. But I could never quite bring myself to get rid of them. And inspiration struck…
I’ve been feeling awfully creative ever since I received my easel and paint set. I’m pleased with how my first oil painting turned out, though I’m still learning how to mix colors and what different kinds of brush strokes look like on the canvas. I can see I’m going to need more brushes and canvases too.
So it would appear that my period of stagnation is over. My first draft of MVP is 12,034 words. The touring version of Inviting Desire was just under 8,000 words and clocked in at about 65 minutes. I’m shooting for somewhere around 9,500 words or 75-80 minutes, because I would prefer to do the show without an intermission. I have some major cuts to make, but it feels like a pretty big milestone to have an actual script in hand.
Ooooh. And this is the last time I will refer to the project as “MVP” because I have a title! It has been kicking around in my head ever since I started, and after reading the first draft through a few times it hit me how perfect it is. Threads. That’s it. Threads. I don’t know that it’s particularly catchy or clever, but it’s right for the show. If you read the snippet I posted some time ago, you can see how it applies.
Anyway, I’m writing and painting and crafting and cooking up a storm…Spending time with friends, making new ones…Enjoying my delightful phone sex callers and very grateful for their patronage which allows me these creative luxuries…And to top it all off, I have a pair of hot “new” shoes…
Thank you, Universe.
Topics: My Life | 1 Comment »
Make Your Dong Enthusiastic
By Tonya Jone Miller | February 24, 2010
*giggling* Sometimes I really love the subject lines of the spam I get. I don’t know why I find this particular one so amusing, but for some reason I haven’t been able to delete it. Everytime I read “make your dong enthusiastic” in my inbox, I smile. I’m seriously considering trademarking it as my phone sex tag line. Tonya Jone Miller…I make your dong enthusiastic. Heh. If only it rolled off the tongue better…
Topics: My Life | 4 Comments »
Stuck
By Tonya Jone Miller | February 17, 2010
I’ve been spectacularly procrastinatory for the past couple of weeks. Wasn’t getting much done on MVP so decided to try and motivate myself with a deadline of Valentine’s Day for a first draft. Brilliant idea. My problem is that with only myself to answer to, when I don’t meet a particular goal I set, I spiral into a vicious cycle of laziness and self-loathing. Well enough, I say. The only way to crawl out of this hole is to admit I’m in it and start climbing out. I’ve managed to get a great deal of work done yesterday and today, so I will have a completed first draft soon. Still at a complete loss for a title, though I’m hoping it will come to me in a fit of inspiration.
I’ve drifted from The Artist’s Way as well, and it bothers me. The first few weeks were amazing, but now I find myself struggling with some of the spiritual aspects of creative recovery. I’ve been stuck for a few weeks on the lesson that requires me to examine the payoffs I get from staying creatively blocked. Ironic, no? It’s silly, because I already know what the reward is…When you finish a piece of art of any kind, it suddenly exists to be judged, categorized, rejected. While it is in the process of being made, you are simply an artist. When it is finished, you are either a good artist or a bad artist, at least in other people’s eyes.
I’d like to pretend I am above it all, but truly it’s scary as hell. Self doubt creeps in, and I wonder what the fuck I’m doing and who on Earth will care. The negativity feeds on itself, and I find myself avoiding the work, when all I really need is to immerse myself in it to remember how amazing these stories are. I go through cycles of productivity. I guess I need to get better at exploiting my phases of energy and motivation. Also need to accept that there will be creative downtime and allow myself to be more nurturing and relaxed during those periods.
One thing that has been on my list for a while is painting. I’ve never really painted before, save a couple of half-assed art classes in high school, and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. I even went so far as to put paints and brushes on my Wish List to the Universe, a list of both immediate and long-term desires/goals. Lo and behold, a couple of days ago, a package appeared on my doorstep containing…
Doesn’t that look cool? It’s pretty much everything I need to try my hand at all different sorts of painting- acrylic, oil, watercolor- and a whole heap of extras. I’m totally gobsmacked and can’t wait to get my inner paintrix on. *grins*
I’m sorry it took me so long to write anything here, but it’s good that enough people cared to ask me why I’ve been scarce. When I’m feeling unproductive, it tends to reach into all the corners of my life, and there’s still a part of me that dreads admitting any kind of perceived weakness or failure. (What do you mean I’m human? Heh.)
Anyway, back to revising and editing for me…
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I Can Haz Couch!
By Tonya Jone Miller | February 2, 2010
Just in case you were wondering, inflatable couches and cats don’t go together. Well they might date for a while, but there’s no long-term potential. Heh. The evil beasties killed it a couple of days ago, so I finally had to go find a real sofa that would fit up the crazy narrow steep staircase…
It’s a sectional- the chaise part is separate from the loveseat, but they latch together- so that’s how I was able to get it up the stairs. Spiffy, eh? It’s the last big thing I needed for the apartment, and somehow finally getting a couch of the non-inflatable variety in here feels like a kind of closure to this period of limbo and change.
By the way, whoever it was that told me I’d like the show Sons of Anarchy was so on the money. Thank you! I love the undertones of Hamlet and Oedipus. Katey Sagal is one lucky lady to get to sink her teeth into Gemma- role of a lifetime, and that’s saying something considering we’re talking about the woman who brought us Peg Bundy. Plus, a couple of those badass bikers are tasty eye candy. I can see why Charlie Hunnam gets to be the golden boy, but I’m rather partial to Tommy Flanagan- I’ve always thought his facial scars are strangely sexy…
Topics: My Life | 3 Comments »
And Hilarity Ensues…
By Tonya Jone Miller | January 30, 2010
So yesterday I wake up, make coffee, answer a few emails, and begin making my regular internet rounds- FaceBook, Twitter, etc…
I notice I have an unusual number of FB friend requests from gentlemen in Eastern Europe, but I figure it’s just more trickle down from the Lemondrop article. By mid-morning however, I have over 30, and I’m realizing something has to be going on. At this point, I get an email from my editor letting me know my story got linked to by the UK Daily Mail and they (Lemondrop) want a follow-up, a rebuttal of sorts to all my detractors. Ok, no problem.
But I’m still befuddled by the Eastern Europe connection. I ask one of my new FaceBook friends how he found out about me, and he sends me this link to a Turkish newspaper’s website. Click that link and prepare to die laughing. It gets even funnier if you plug the text into a Turkish-to-English translator and compare it with the Lemondrop article.
Ummmmm. I don’t even know what to say at this point. The paper obviously encountered a language barrier of sorts, because they got the story all wrong. They think I’m some famous American actress embroiled in a scandal because I finally admitted I did kinky phone sex when I was younger. ROTFLMFAO! I was on the front page of the website, and they even took a bunch of photos from this blog and made a gallery for me. It’s crazy. Now I have all these comments on my FB wall like “u r much popular in eastern europe” and my real-life friends won’t let me hear the end of it.
I find the whole thing hysterical. It’s also kind of an interesting example of how the internet can create celebrity out of nothing. They think I’m famous, so I am, at least in their minds. I suppose if enough people decided I was famous, that would pretty much make me famous wouldn’t it? *chuckling* It’s fascinating to me, but don’t worry…I won’t let my newfound international superstardom go to my head. Heh.
Topics: My Life | 1 Comment »
Oops
By Tonya Jone Miller | January 28, 2010
Well now I’ve done it. Apparently my Lemondrop.com article about phone sex and acting touched a collective nerve. Heh. It made the front page of Digg (thanks for letting me know, J!) and sparked a round of commentary that reminds me how judgmental and puritanical so many people still are. Easy, uninspired insults about me being a whore and needing to get a real job don’t particularly bother me. I have to respect a person before their opinion about me matters.
My absolute favorite comment is probably from the guy who said, “she looks like she was molested as a child.” Pray tell, exactly what does that LOOK like? It’s especially baffling to me, because the photo that appears with my article is just my headshot. (Damn, NOW I know what kind of roles I should be auditioning for. Heh.) It’s such a classic stereotype, the assumption of molestation. People are so desperate for there to be an easy explanation- there must be something WRONG with me because I work in the sex industry, right? I think it’s even more confusing and bothersome to them because I refuse to be shamed into silence.
I always find it interesting how people’s capacity for cruelty to each other emerges behind the filter of internet anonymity. It’s part of why I’m committed to speaking out openly about what I do and the effect I believe my actions have on the world around me. But truly I’m surprised by the vitriol being directed at me by people who I have never met. It gives me a lot of empathy for real celebrities who get slammed all over the internet- you just can’t fight it. People will think and say what they want, especially when they can casually attack someone they never have to meet face-to-face or look in the eye.
It makes me sad. Not for me. For them. I suppose I should be angry or hurt. But I what I feel is compassion and resolve. Conviction that I am doing the right thing when I choose to speak my truth and stand behind it. If it means complete strangers feel the need to direct their hatred, fear, and malice toward me, well I don’t mind being a target. I can take it.
“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear. And the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.” ~H.P. Lovecraft
Topics: My Life | 8 Comments »